I asked white guys on Tinder to be my slaves, and these responses are all the reparations I need
My enslaved ancestors would be so proud
by Ari Bines
Racial tensions have come to a boiling point, #AllLivesMatter is a whitewashing demon, and Kim K is still wearing cornrows. Times are tough, and we all need to come together in these difficult times.
So to solve this whole racism issue entirely (we're ending it today) I devised a master plan to even the score since white people have had a ~400 year head start in life.
I sought out white guys on Tinder and asked them if they'd be my slave to repent for the wrongdoings of their great- great- slavemaster grandparents.
And after these responses, I'm quite confident I might have just found the solution to end the battle between the races:
This dude James was wary about my advances
And I was shocked to find out that he was open to the adventure
I'm offended that James really thought I would pay him to give him a well-deserved ass-beating. At first, I genuinely thought he would back out of the whole thing and tell me to get lost. But he soon realized that my Black ass was worth being chained up for a few hours, he wanted to get off on some horrendous treatment. We stan James!
Will thought I was joking, but I genuinely want to slap him until I creamed
He got so freaky with it, he wanted me to spell out every detail of his detainment
I gave him the rundown of having to eat shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner, traded the old fashioned cotton picking for being my personal pedicure bitch, and anything else that I felt was humiliating enough to his character. He never responded back, so ultimately I guess he was the slave that got away. :-(
Cody was a little too into it
He wanted me to get into the details of his upcoming torture, but I don't really think it mattered to him what it would entail. He seemed like a masochist who'd be honored to receive any kind of pain that I inflicted.
And then he still offered to make me cum
Even after I explained that his punishment would include welts and starvation like my great-grandparents had to endure, he was looking to pleasure me despite my treating him like the dirt beneath my Sam Edleman sneakers.
But once he started calling me baby, I felt tortured
Like I said, he was way too eager to be enslaved by me. But I think that if every white man in America was as willing to get under the heel of every Black woman, then we probably wouldn't have ever had to worry about segregating shit. Affirmative action wouldn't even have to exist! We'd also probably have flying cars by now.
Another guy, Chris, also thought I wanted money to beat his ass
My call to enslave him wasn't enough to turn him away, so he further questioned his slave duties
I don't know about you, but I sense a little bit off jealousy in this sextual encounter. When I didn't respond to his message on whether or not I had other slaves in my master rolodex, he realized what a privilege I was offering him and agreed to be my slave with no more questions asked.
This guy was already into freaky shit based on his ass-eating intro
And then it got low-key (fine, high-key) racist soon after
While I was surprised he was seriously considering it, my corneas almost exploded at the idea of him wanting me to dress up as Harriet Tubman. But his racist sexualization of me didn't stop there.
I reminded him that I was his master, and he then recommended he be jumped by me and my friends
I'm not sure if this dude was on drugs while talking to me or if he really wanted me to gather my ethnic girl gang to step on his face, shackle him and beat him senseless. But whatever! After centuries of welts, shit food, murder and other horrendous things done to Black slaves, he can take a tiny crack of a whip.
So maybe I haven't fully eliminated racism, but that's only because I haven't yet made my way into the sphere of white politicians — Tindering on the Hill is next up, though. Maybe it's these dudes' white guilt acting as a driving force, maybe it's just a truism that once you go Black, you never go. Who knows?