There’s now a dick Fitbit and, well, you guys just need to come see this
Maybe a smart condom will make the guys I deal with a little more intelligent
by Una Dabiero
Look around you right now, and I guarantee half the people you see have a huge fucking hunk of metal tied to their wrist. Fitness trackers are beyond a fad. They're a part of modern life. And apparently, despite the fact that Netflix has blessed us with four seasons of Black Mirror, people don't think their fitness trackers can go too far. Or they must not. Because now, there's a Fitbit for dicks.
CNET reports that British Condoms — a, you guessed it!, British condom company — is making a "smart condom" that tracks a bunch of penis stuff. I don't know who asked for this or who thought it was a good idea, but it looks like this entire company should go under.
Apparently, their brain child is a ring that slides over a condom — like a cock ring — and answers a bunch of questions guys have always had about their dicks. You know, things like "What's my thrust velocity?," "What's the average skin temperature of my penis?," and "How big am I?" Maybe if they stopped thinking about this random shit during sex, they could find the clit.
This actually might be a great thing for all of us. The ring can also detect chlamydia and syphilis, so shitty men you date with can't lie about being tested anymore. All you gotta do is say "show me the ring!," and you'll know if he's actually dirty down there.
Despite its (potential) pros, it creeps me out that guys can share all their sex secrets with friends via the smart condom's data sharing options. It's also fucking disturbing that we're mechanizing dicks. Like, what happens when the Terminator is our reality and there are out-of-control cyborg penises running around? I wouldn't wish that on my greatest enemy (my ex-boyfriend, if you're wondering.)
Overall, this is just another measuring stick for dudes to compare their dicks to their friends, and it's potentially dangerous, you know, if one day we're living in Blade Runner. But I guess British condom companies are going to do what they're going to do, and I really have no say. If enough people pre-order, these things are going to production. What a world. Just know any guy I date will be staying far away from the dick Fitbit, tyvm.