Hot Or Not? I went on a quest to find ONE person who thinks Mark Zuckerberg is sexy

Right now, one of the most important events of the year is happening. Mark Zuckerberg is testifying in front of Congress about how Facebook handles personal data and how that affected the election. But like the little jokester I am, the only thing I could think about during this whole thing was how Mark looks like a turtle and an Easter egg had sex then birthed a humanoid.

Of course, I came running into the office today begging my coworkers to fight me and say Mark Zuckerberg was hot. But no one was willing to take that bullet. No one here thought he was hot. In fact, my dear friend and boss Amanda said "literally no one thinks he hot." Of course, I decided to fact check her, like a motherfucking disrespectful subordinate.

So, I went on a quest to find a single human who thinks Mark Zuckerberg is sexy. It was hard.

I started by searching Twitter for "Mark Zuckerberg is hot" and found basically no one saying he was hot. Actually, most of the results were people talking about him burning up in the hot seat. Others referred to him as hot in the literal sense because he's like, going to burn in hell. And others were just really weird.

So I was like, ok, hot has way too many double meanings, that silly word! I'll try "Mark Zuckerberg is sexy." And that turned up…less.

After a lot of digging on both searches, I found two tweets that I thought might be real girls being serious about thinking Mark Zuckerberg is sexy. I sent them some DMs to make sure this wasn't some sick joke or a cry for help. Here at babe dot net, we believe in fact-checking.

None of these bitches were messaging me back, which made me realize I needed to take to the streets to find out the truth. I went on lunch break so I could also ingest a Chipotle burrito. Multi-tasking! I actually asked the woman serving me Chipotle if she thought Mark Zuckerberg was hot and she said, "What?" Then I asked if I could take her picture, and she said no.

Discouraged, I continued to ask some strangers about Mark's sexiness. One girl, aged 22, said she thought he was cute. I said, "Ok, but I'm asking if he's hot." And she said "I think he's cute." And I said, "Ok, but would you fuck him if he wasn't rich?" And she said, "No." That means he's not hot, folks. She wasn't willing to go on camera, probably because she's ashamed to have thought this human iteration of pineapple was cute. I try not to kink shame but damn, bitch!

Then, I asked a slightly older woman if she thought Mark Zuckerberg was hot. It's Brooklyn, so I thought she would be chill with all this. She ran away from me, probably so horrified at the idea of having sex with The Zuck that it caused her to run for shelter. I don't blame you, Granny. Run for your life.

I really felt like I was going to die after having to interact with two strangers, so I went back to the office to see if these misguided girls on Twitter responded to me. Electronic communication is just easier, what can I say? I often want to kill myself after one five-minute phone call with my grandma and she's my grandma. One more conversation with a weird person from Williamsburg was gonna push me over the edge.

The girls did respond, and they gave me some great insight into the mental disease that would cause one to find Mark Zuckerberg attractive. Nah, just kidding, they seemed chill as fuck. I just don't agree.

Maia RN said Mark isn't truly hot. He's just powerful and kinda looks like Greek statues. I respectfully disagree, but approve of her appreciation for the arts. She should go teach pottery or something.

Taylor Skye is a self-proclaimed "Mark Zuckerberg lover," but her description of his hotness didn't really include anything about his physical form. Just the fact that he's a frat boy whose into "philanthropy," like every other AEPi at a Pancake Dinner for Crohn's Disease! mixer. Don't worry, Taylor, we've all been there.

After these testimonies and my intense field work, I deduced that there are exactly two people out there who think Mark Zuckerberg is hot — but just because he's rich and powerful. Even they know deep inside that he looks like a character from Jay-Jay the Jet Plane.

Looks like Amanda was right about this one, at least for right now. If you think Mark Zuckerberg is straight up sexy, and I mean so sexy you'd fuck him for $0 and no fame, hit me up at [email protected].

Yeah, you can say this whole thing was a little evil. But I mean, me analyzing his appearance is kinda what he deserves. Isn't Hot or Not how he got his idea for Facebook? I've never seen the Social Network, so don't fucking ask me. I couldn't stand two hours even looking at someone pretending to be this dude.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• This ‘scientific’ website told us whether we were hot or ugly, and now we all kind of want to die

• Everything you’ll understand if you’re not hot, but not ugly either