Here’s how to film a sex tape without ruining your life
Not saying you can replicate Kim’s success, buuut…
by Ari Bines
Most dick appointments, sexcapades and love-making moments are fine. Just OK. Perfectly lovely. Not the earth-shattering moment smutty fanfics you read as a kid described, but whatever. It's whatever.
But then there are other moments. The moments that actually live up to the porn! Those are the moments you wanna capture, preferably in a way that won't ruin your ability to ever get a job and/or the ability to look your father in the eye.
Here are all the ins and outs (looooool), from how to make a sexy and re-watchable sex tape, plus how to ensure you never get Kim'd — unless you want to, that is — straight from my camcorder to yours.
Only perform with your best positions
Sex tapes aren't an everyday thing and you have the opportunity to become your own porn star for a night (or day if you're brave). Don’t use this chance to test out new angles because you’ll just look stupid if you haven’t practiced it. This is GAME DAY, not a scrimmage.
Stick to basic movements like missionary, doggy-style, and maybe throw in one butt-churner to spice things up — but only a little! Trying out a new position that you’re not well-versed in could either have you busting your ass on camera, or worse: looking less-than-perfect on-video. Sure, you could edit it later on, but the whole point of a sex tape is to make it look natural.
Babe spoke to a girl in our office who's chosen to remain anonymous, and filmed three different sex tapes with two different people. "Don't put too much effort into it or the sex won't be hot, and don't get upset by what you see—it's easy to zero in on your flaws and compare yourself to other sex you've seen," she said. "But those people are professionals, and your partner is obviously into it because they're literally having sex with you so they obviously like what they see."
Oral is your best friend on film
Lots of eye contacts, meaningful motions, sassy hairflips: What could be hotter than putting y'all's mouths where they typically don't belong? Our source advised that oral is one of the easiest kinds of performances for a sex tape because it doesn't involve contorting your body into any weird positions. Plus, you have the incredible added bonus of filming it POV-style.
"I was sucking dick and my boyfriend at the time wanted to film me, and I was like 'aight,'" our babe girl said. Love it!
Your co-star should be someone who would take a LITERAL bullet for you
Our anonymous babe source gave us the key to making sure you and your titties don't get doxxed: it should never, ever be with a random. "Both of the people I made the tape with were long-term relationships and they were people I trusted," she said. "It's not something I'd do with a random hookup, not even if it were a celebrity."
Trust is everything when filming a sex tape. Sad as it may be, the reality is that men's leaked nudes and tapes don't ruin lives like they do women's. Think of one guy who was affected by The Fappening, go ahead. Exactly.
If you don't trust that your shorty would die for you, don't even think about hitting the record button.
Your two (2) closest friends should be the entities on earth that know the tape exists
Don't write it in a diary. Don't text it. Don't even fucking think about Snapping it. You can tell exactly two of your nearest and dearest, and even that must be done only in person. No paper trail, bitch!
Look, I know you'd rather die never have sex again than not reveal to your squad the kind of cinematography you're getting into, but you better gain the ability to recognize the real from the fake — you'll regret sharing it with them if there's a snake in your wake.
Honestly, though, consider not telling anyone. My dad used to say that once one person knows, it's no longer a secret. Think about if you happen to get wildly rich and famous someday and The Shade Room puts a bounty on your bare ass. Would your friends sell you out? 👀👀👀
And finally, it should never be on any electronic platform
I wouldn't even risk the spirit of Steve Jobs finding it up in the Cloud, let alone a random working for the NSA trying to get their rocks off.
If you don't know how the Cloud works (does anyone, really?) you may just double tap the wrong part of your screen, sending it to everyone you know. You're better off doing it the old school 90's way and invest in a VHS camera (yes, I'm serious) along with a tape player in order to watch it. Even if someone you know get ahold of it, the chances of them having the ancient tech to view it is highly unlikely. Fuck it, film it on Super 8 film! Better safe than sorry.
I’m trynna make a sextape and add hella affects 2 it like when he clappin my cheeks I want gun shots to replace da clappin sounds
— DAISY (@bitchomiequan) February 20, 2018
Related stories recommended by this writer:
‘It’s not me…it’s you’: How to breakup with someone you love in person
Your pain must end at some point
by Ari Bines
Once you've passed the 6-month mark in your relationship, you owe it them an in-person breakup. Many have (and will) take the easy way out, shooting the soon-to-be ex a text, voicemail or, if you're lucky, an actual phone call. It's tough being the bitch you've been rehearsing to be your whole life, but this…
We asked girls for their weirdest turn-ons — and they did NOT disappoint
Y’all are insane
by Ari Bines
I've come to the realization that what turns me on most are not normal for most people. A guy who can tickle my fancy (and…other bits) can sometimes make my body do some pretty wild things. But since I don't want to be alone with all my freaky turn-ons, I sought out out babe readers…
A guide to video chat sex for all you long-distance non-cheaters out there
Step 1: Make sure your internet works
by Ari Bines
For suckers who choose to remain faithful despite being hundreds of miles away from their significant bae, you'll undoubtedly use Skype/FaceTime sex to keep the relationship hot. Late, lonely nights will come along while Soulja Boy Tell'em's Kiss Me Thru the Phone plays in the background, and you become unbearably horny. Because I'm committed to…