Would you sleep with a guy again if he did these terrible things right after sex?
Yes, guys actually do this
by Ari Bines
I already have issues with men, but the few minutes you have between the time they finish and putting your pants back on to prepare for your walk of shame, you need to decide fast if you made a huge mistake. If he's done any of these things after sex, ask yourself if you'd do it again (hint: you shouldn't):
Play Post Malone or other white boy rap
There's nothing worse than your afterglow ruined with the less-than-dulcet tunes of "fuck bitches, get money." They're feeling themselves while you're literally cringing on the inside praying you can escape ASAP.
Informs you about going to the bathroom when he could just get up and fucking go
After sex, no one wants to hear how their partner needs to handle their business. Excuse yourself and handle that shit, literally. I don't need or want the details.
Immediately gets on his phone
You feel used and unappreciated for poppin' that pooch so well just for him to start texting buddies and plan for a night out on the town.
Asks you to spoon him
I know gender roles are extinct, but I don't really know how a smaller woman could spoon a Hagrid-type guy. You'd practically have to climb his body length in order to scoop him up.
Don't tell me it doesn't offend you just a little that he can't withstand a few seconds of conversation after giving you that jackhammer. If you catch him dosing off, he gots to go, boo. It's strictly dickly.
Pulls out a vape
Guys think post-dick appointments are for acting out their "Dude Where's My Car?" fantasies but I'm not here for that local lifestyle.
Asks you to pray
Any guy that asks you to pray with him after going down on you in the presence of the big G has some serious self-loathing issues.
Puts a shitty movie on
I'm usually all for a good after-sex movie because it means they genuinely care about making you comfortable while your in their quarters — but not it's a movie that you're clearly not into. If he puts on something that's obviously just for him, take the hint and bounce.
Says he's seeing someone
If you found out that you were the other woman and he's just playing games with his main squeeze, your decision to keep going at with him says a lot about your side chick aspirations.
Admits he didn't use a condom
Get your life, girl! If you can't tell whether or not there's a rubber between you two, you've got a big problem. If you're even considering this guy another chance, I advise you to call a therapist instead.
Forgets your name
In all honesty, I might still sleep with a guy even if he forgot my name. It happens! After one too many gin and tonics, I can barely remember my name.
It's more common than you'd think! Some dudes want to unload all of their insecurities on you because you allowed them to plow. I ain't your therapist, bro. But I could be if you started paying me 0:)
Heads straight for the kitchen to get himself food
I don't know why this irritates me so much, but the fact that some guys don't have enough decency to get you food while he's making himself a sandwich just means ya'll aren't even friends. I guarantee you he'd get his buddy one while while they were playing a round of Gears of War.
Reviews your sex performance
“After we had sex, he said yeah you did gain alittle weight” lol
— LittleDaddy (@icecoldsaf) December 19, 2017
Unless he actually made you cum, tell that dickweed to fuck off because he's a hypocrite who doesn't know the first thing about pleasing a human being. The second he starts critiquing your performance, give him your much lengthier notes to bring his ass off that high horse.
Leaves you to play video games
If a guy just finished blowing your back out and then ran to play his precious PS4, I'd feel like he used me as his 15-minute workout. But if your petty gene supersedes your emotions, beat him at his own game (literally) and grab a controller.
Asks his friend to come over
This has already happened to me twice! If his boy just happened to "be in the neighborhood" and invites him over immediately after finishing, you better run.
Gave you his version of ya'll's relationship status
Right after we had sex he told me we were fwb. wtf?
— I Can't Even (@imneverenough_) July 10, 2013
Some guys will say you're "still just friends" or just lay down a decree that you're officially a couple. Neither of which you approved of, obviously.
Pats you on the head or back
'after we had sex he patted me on the back and told me good job' ????
— Kelly Bennett (@Kelly_Bennett2) November 10, 2014
This isn't a petting zoo, bro. It's a session of getting some out of each other. If your next session of banging entices this kind of behavior, slap! Him!
Offers you hard drugs
Marijuana is one thing, but taking life-threatening hits after sex just isn't cute or the kind of vibe you want to have post dick appointment.
"I stopped talking to him cause after we had sex he offered me cocaine and I just wasn't about it"
— Brooke (@_Bkad) July 30, 2014
Some of ya'll may disagree and decide to completely marry him for embracing his "bad boy" side, but I'm not into having that whole Pulp Fictioin ending.
Maybe you're better than me and have a high tolerance for annoying human beings or pain, but think about it thoroughly before you go back for more mediocre sex.
Related stories recommended by this writer: