Having sex with your professor is the best college experience you could have

Queue up Vitamin C's "Graduation" before you start reading this. I'll even put the video here for you to save you the three seconds it'd take to smash that mf Google button:

College students, I'm talking to you. Every single spring without exception, your failing university newspaper will publish a bucket list of things you should do before graduating, and it's always lame shit like "Share a slice with your best friends :)" and "Sit on Bulldog Hill to watch the sunrise :)))" and "Sign up for the alumni association so we can continue to leech precious funds from you while you struggle at a $27,000/year entry-level job :)))))."

But having crossed the bridge to the other side, the working world, I can tell you there's only one thing you really need to do before graduating: fuck one of your professors.

If you're an underclassmen, you still have a few semesters to make this happen. To my seniors, it's fucking crunch time but I have faith you can cross the finish line with the same level of begrudging focus you use to pass your classes — that is, with the help of pharmaceuticals for which you're not prescribed.

Sorry, but your grades will improve

I know that's legitimately the lamest benefit and probably the reason more young girls aren't like, taken seriously in academia or whatever, but banging your professor will result in better grades. There's just no way a man can look you in the eye and pass back your essay on confessional poetry marked with a scarlet C- knowing full well he had his mouth on your actual genitals the night before. It's practically one of Newton's Laws: governed by the universe and completely incontrovertible.

Now, you can spend the time you would have spent writing about how the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and use it to drink 10-cent wells at your local dive and wake up hangover-free. Enjoy it now, you blithe fuckers, because neither recklessly inexpensive alcohol nor a high head-pain threshold will last past graduation.

Older guys just know how to throw it back

How long have you been having sex? Like, two years? How old are you, anyway? 20? First of all, I'm sickened by your relative youth and will someday steal it from you like Ursula the Sea Witch (we don't look dissimilar, tbh). But my point is that you think you're doing something great in bed when you're really just a wet sack of garbage, talent-wise. And you know who's even worse? The flaxen-haired, visor-wearing frat bros you insist on allowing to penetrate you on the weekends. You need to know the touch of a male with a mortgage!

Say what you will about the vitality of juvenilia, but it's a simple fact that the more you do something, the better you'll be at it. Your middle-aged prof? Decades of fucking, babe. He's been having sex longer than you've been alive, and he's gonna be so psyched to touch a breast not yet affected by the earth's gravitational pull.

It makes for a really great story

As an adult, you'll have to go through the at-time torturous ritual of post-work happy hours. Sometimes they'll be really fun and you'll end up doing coke off a toilet seat with Steph from HR. Sometimes you'll have to wear an earth-toned, boiled-wool cardigan and talk about the weather. But either way, you'll need a rolodex of amusing stories about your extracurricular life that makes the people who see you for 8-plus hours a day go, "Damn, she's been there." Skydiving works, yeah, but casually tossing out that you had a torrid affair with an Dr. Henry Walden-type next to the dinosaur skeletons in his tchotchke -filled office is way juicier.

What could be hotter?!

There's a reason that searching anything related to "professor-student" porn returns about a million results. When it's between consenting adults, do you know how glorious it is to explore such a fun power dynamic difference? And dude, I don't even have daddy issues! My dad is not only around, but a really great guy! Imagine how bonkers it'll be if the only relationship you have with your father is a black-and-white photo of a solider your mom gave you as a child, but you're pretty sure she just fished it from a garage sale bargain bin to shut you up! Fun for days.

Plus, there's the in-class factor. Sitting in a lecture and knowing the dude in front of you droning on and on about oxbow lakes and metamorphic rocks or whatever has had sex with you on the very desk he's tapping for emphasis is a feeling akin only to freebasing heroin and Sephora's annual 20 percent-off sale for VIB members. If nothing's convinced you so far, just trust me as a person. Have I ever steered you wrong? 0:)

@TheTab