If you do any of these things, you’re 100 percent a local
Don’t know what a ‘local’ is? You’re a fucking local
by Una Dabiero
With Trump at the helm of This Great Nation™, there's all this talk of World War III. There's this idea that Russia is going to get pissed one day and blow us all up. But anyone who's been on Twitter knows there's already a World War being waged: The war between locals and the rest of us. The locals have claimed Facebook, Adidas, and any/all frozen yogurt places. But thankfully, the rest of us still have matcha and Hayley Kiyoko, and we've barely held 65 percent of Urban Outfitters.
Honestly, at this point, if you don't know what a local is, you're a fucking local. But I'm going to help you out for the sake of this incredibly important quiz that will determine your loyalties. According to Urban Dictionary (a local website, I must add), this is what a local is:
Do you sleep on everything decent? Are you accidentally (or maybe purposefully), like, five years behind? Take a look at this list and give yourself a point for everything and anything that you do. Then check out what your score means at the end of this quiz. Also, I genuinely hope you're looking at this on an iPhone. Samsungs are for locals. If you're an android user, just click away knowing YOU are to blame for the destruction of American culture.
Have stickers on your car, a case on your license plate, or anything hanging from your rearview mirror?
Bonus local points if you have feathers hanging from your mirror or have a clip-on air freshener from Bath and Body Works.
Find yourself declaring that you’re having a 'Girl’s Night!' then having a cocktail at Applebee’s and going home to drink Barefoot Pink Moscato?
You drink your wine out of monogrammed wine glasses, don't you?
Watch Mean Girls on a regular basis?
Especially while drinking pink wine or while wearing Victoria's Secret pajamas.
Go to Chili's for date night?
And get the two for $20.
locals would sacrifice their first born child for the chili’s 2 for 1 deal
— Tony (@phucktony) February 22, 2018
Chronically listen to Post Malone?
Bonus points if you tweet his lyrics incessantly.
Drive a Volkswagen Jetta?
The most local of cars, narrowly beating the Kia Soul.
Listen to Bryson Tiller while hotboxing?
Or really, hotboxing in any form.
locals: hotboxing in the McDonald’s parking lot while listening to Bryson Tiller IS A DATE
— ky (@LILBRUJlTA) February 15, 2018
Wear socks with Adidas slides?
This is literally only cool if you're a high school athlete.
Say you want to go on an adventure, then just go to SONIC at midnight?
And order a green apple slush, you freak!
Wear Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume
Only marginally better than a Victoria's Secret body spray, and that barely clears a Bath and Body Works mist.
Sweet pea lotion is steriods for locals
— rat mic 🐀 (@mizzmic) February 19, 2018
Tweet about shaving your legs?
Especially if you include a pic.
Shop at Forever 21, Rue 21, or Charlotte Russe?
The three most local stores at every mall.
Participate in an online PYRAMID-SCHEME, like Lipsense or LuLaRoe?
I don't want to buy your fucking white mom products!
locals: omg you’re going to art school what a waste of money!
also locals: *updating their facebook status about a pyramid scheme they got suckered into*
— ambs (@artburp6666) December 31, 2017
Wear solid-colored leggings?
If they aren't black, they're local.
Have 'Wanderlust' anywhere in your Instagram or Twitter bios?
Especially if it's surrounded by star emojis 💫✨💫✨
ESPECIALLY if you've gotten them in the last three years.
Have a chest piece or date someone with a chest piece?
A la Justin Bieber.
Local Twitter: “Fuck head I be makin the bread 💯😤👿”
– 24 years old
– sits in the student section at every high school event
– hits on your 16 year old sister
– justin bieber chest tattoo
– under 6 ft
— goobi (@mytittyhurt) April 1, 2018
Send nudes with your top on?
Or send topless pics wearing shorts?
Vape with a vape that has a box on it?
Or own a hookah as a white person?
Drink any type of -rita?
ESPECIALLY if you're over the age of 21 and drink it out of the can with no shame.
gainesville local@culture is going to jiffy lube live to see florida georgia line, getting drunk off of 3 strawberitas, posting on snap 3 min of videos, & tweeting the next day “wild night”
— tritty 👻 b (@tristanbairddd) November 21, 2017
Wear cross-body bags?
Especially if the chain is actually chain link.
Get invested in any NFL team?
But especially the Cowboys or the Patriots, the most local of NFL teams.
Respect the flag?
Only locals love America, imho
Random locals: if you can’t respect the flag then leave the country
— ItsOllieBitch (@OllieTheHobo) September 26, 2017
Have any prom-centered business?
Like a prom photos, prom hair, or prom makeup side hustle.
Go to Cold Stone?
And genuinely enjoy the experience enough to document it via Instagram.
Stan a YouTuber, but especially Shane Dawson?
Watch Netflix or Hulu like a normal person, weird motherfucker.
i stayed up till 2am watching shane dawson videos damn am i a local now
— nate (@vintagexkids) April 3, 2018
Post photos of yourself with a Snapchat filter on other social media platforms?
Bonus points if it's your profile picture.
Wear Sperrys or Hunter Boots?
Unless you own a boat or are British.
the local mall is where people who still wear sperrys are at their most powerful
— love, snart blast (@heyits_mmickey) February 9, 2018
Call animals 'fur babies?'
Or plants "plant babies."
Love rose gold and insist everything you own be rose gold?
Rose gold jewelry, rose gold watch, rose gold belt buckle, rose gold purse accents, rose gold nails, rose gold phone case, rose gold pens….
Have an Otterbox?
ESPECIALLY the color-blocked ones.
Just an FYI to any locals with an IPhone 6. The Staples I work at on Kildaire Farm Road has Otter box cases on clearance for 15 bucks.
— F'ng Eric Booth (@EricBooth) February 15, 2017
Think Affirmative Action is 'kinda racist against white people?'
Or think it's possible to be racist against white people?
Exclusively wear MAC makeup?
MAC lips, MAC face, MAC life.
Eat at restaurants with buffets, like Cici's?
And describe it as a "lit night."
American Horror Story: The Local Golden Corral Snapchat Story
— meech (@MichelleMBB18) April 9, 2018
Take pictures of your Starbucks Frappuccino and nails?
Especially if you pose with the steering wheel of your Toyota Prius.
Keep up with wedding TV shows like Say Yes To The Dress or Bridezillas?
You live tweet it, don't you?
Unironically carry Michael Kors or Coach purses?
And feel like a fucking badass for having "designer."
local who just purchased a michael kors bag: pic.twitter.com/iwfqsuAdTa
— adam (@brokeangeI) April 7, 2018
Wear Zebra print?
Especially if it's on the waistband of your yoga pants.
Think liking Target is a personality trait?
You always like memes about rowdy wives buying too much at Target and saying shhhh! around their husbands, don't you?
Update your Facebook status with what you're doing that day or asking for the plug?
Don't do Heroin, please! Thanks.
locals on facebook are really out here making status updates asking for xanax pic.twitter.com/Ziu8aEb9GQ
— 🖤 (@harryisahoney) February 2, 2018
Wear sunglasses with colored lenses?
Or any Ray-Ban aviators.
Use #tbt, #wcw, or #mcm on ANY social media platform?
Especially if the #wcw is YOURSELF.
Plan to have your honeymoon at Disney World?
Bonus points if you're over the age of 10 and enjoy taking photos with an adult human in a Mickey Mouse suit.
Locals go to Disney world and call it a foreign getaway
— 🌻🤷🏻♀️✨ (@maaitajusdunsom) April 7, 2018
Have a Deathly Hallows tattoo that you've gotten in the last five years?
Or really, have any Harry Potter ANYTHING on your body.
0-5: Not local, you just have some lame interests.
6-10: Dangerously straddling the line between local and Not Local.
11+: Disturbingly local. Please cleanse yourself by following gay Twitter and taking a pledge to ban yourself from watching any online animal content.