LISTEN TO ME: 69ing is the worst sex position of all time
It’s not even hot!
I'm sick and tired of pretending to be someone I'm not, even though I do it all the time. I pretend to think Uggs are acceptable footwear for my white friends. I pretend I think Ansel Elgort is hot for my film friends. But worst of all, I pretend I like 69ing for guys, and I'm officially dropping this charade once and for all.
As a woman who has historically had sex with men (or like, dudes) I wish straight guys knew that 69ing just…isn't for us. I'm sure this shit is bearable, if you're fucking someone who is the same size as you — but I'm not sleeping with a lot of 5'4", 120(ish)-pound guys, so this position is trash for me 100 percent of the time.
Whoever invented 69ing is an idiot who doesn't understand sexual mechanics, the effects of gravity or the importance of skincare. It is a sweaty, unwieldy, flesh-on-flesh nightmare and I will not stand or awkwardly lay down for it any longer.
The positioning is inherently weird
Am I a sex goddess? If you're a regular babe reader, you've probably seen a picture of me at some point, which is to say: obviously not. But I've been around the block before, and I know that switching positions, during foreplay and sex itself, is best when it feels natural and organic.
Flipping around, lying on top of or next to your partner's supine form, then scooting around so everything lines up is rough. It's going to take at least 45 seconds, and sometimes those 45 seconds are all that stands between "Fuck, this is so hot" and "Ugh, what's up with your toenails?"
It's hard work!
You know how they say a blowjob is still a job? 69ing is a thankless fucking career with like, no sick leave and shitty health insurance. Once you've assumed the position, you also assume that your troubles are over — but no: it's only the beginning of the nightmare.
Because actually sucking dick while someone is eating you out is a lot of work! I find myself focusing so much on what's in front of me that I can't even feel below the waist…but I sure as shit feel obligated to fake it. Stroking a man's ego ("Oh my god, baby, just like that," etc.) while you stroke his dick with your mouth? Sorry, but that's a lot.
Guys get way more out of it than we do
First of all, they get to lie down on the bed (or whatever surface, you freaks!) — fun and relaxing! We have to lie down on another human's body, which is basically a waterbed full of bones — scary!
Second of all, based on my very unscientific research (I texted three people, lol), guys tend to think of 69ing as a blowjob with a bonus, while girls can only enjoy 69ing if they're with a partner they love and trust/it's the third Sunday of the month and there's a Blood Moon and a white cat has recently mewled as the clock struck midnight (aka never).
Ladies, let's demand some motherfucking equity in the bedroom.
Too much ass/ballsack/face contact
Listen. I have a very elaborate skincare routine, and I don't want some dude's genitals touching my forehead enough to fuck that all up. I am like, one breakout away from spending $200 I don't have on K-beauty products. I simply can't afford to 69!
Plus, I always get nervous when my asshole is too close to someone else's line of vision. Does that make me a prude?
Let's be honest, we're only doing it because porn told us to
School-mandated sex education is across-the-board shitty. Like, "I didn't know all sex wasn't doggystyle until HIGH SCHOOL" shitty. So a ton of our knowledge of the ins and outs (get it?!) of sexual activity comes from pornography, and we all know how realistic a lot of that shit actually is.
In porn, people are jazz as hell to be 69ing, but they're also really excited to have sex with their step-siblings, so let's take all that with a grain of salt, okay?
Long story short: if you like to 69, live your life. I literally don't care. But I'm done playing that game, and if you're not into it then you should be too.
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