These drug-fueled sex horror stories will make you get sober and find Jesus

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These drug-fueled sex horror stories will make you get sober and find Jesus

Put down the blunt, sis!

We all know about sex, drugs and rock and roll. I mean, I hate the way guitars sound and I'm a sober virgin (right Mom?), but I'm like… aware of them. But a lot of girls mix hooking up and getting high, and it's not always pretty.

In honor of Weed Day (legalize it, end mass incarceration and let me have a good time!), we asked our readers about their funniest, messiest, most delirious sex-on-drugs horror stories and trust me: you won't be disappointed.

Meee-ow

One time, my boyfriend and I bought weed laced with PCP and then we had sex. It was totally an accident — we didn't realize what his friend meant by the name of whatever it was and afterwards he told us when we said it was weird and we were like…oh fuck. I hallucinated in bed and thought I was a cat when we were hooking up. But was I wrong?

Boys Don't Cry

I take Adderall pretty regularly (ok, fine, I take it twice a day, every day) but it's usually tapered off by the time I get home to the apartment I share with my boyfriend. Of course, it makes me crazy-psycho-focused and I'm usually talking a mile a minute and doing a thousand things at once. One day, I missed my phone alarm to take my second pill and wound up taking at like, 5 pm. I was fucking WIRED.

My boyfriend and I tried to have sex but I was focused on everything but. I completely zoned out while he was on top of me because I was in full galaxy-brain mode thinking about how I could reorganize the Pinterest account I've had since college. Suddenly my BF stopped because he said it was like fucking a mannequin. Then he accused me of fantasizing about other guys while he was fucking me so I said "No, sorry, I was thinking about Pinterest." Lol WRONG ANSWER. He started legit crying and internalizing like "Is our sex life really that bad???" He got over it after a few hours but I was so turned off by his almost-cry that I broke up with him a few weeks later. He cried then too.

This hairy situation

So the first night me and my boyfriend smoked together (weed) I ended up getting super high, and we were sitting on the couch and I went to kiss him and ended up kissing his armpit. He starts laughing so I look up and realize what I was doing…he’s got a mustache and small beard so I literally thought I was kissing his face. Guess not!

Hey, I'm tired too

I was fuuuuucked up! I was smoking weed laced with tobacco and then had a Xanax. As I was giving him head during foreplay, this bitch falls asleep on me with his limp dick in my mouth. I didn't know he'd fallen asleep and I'm over here with numb lips wondering why this dude isn't getting hard…and then I heard the snoring. The fuck???

Your #1 fan

My ex and I got reeeally high and started having sex in the room he shared with his roommate. It was pitch black and we were on the floor because we were making too much noise on the bed. We decided to move it back to the bed and he walks into a floor fan with his dick. 😂 He starts screaming and he made me take him to the hospital because it was so bloody!

Literal drool-face emoji

The first time my ex smoked, we were outside and he was being too obvious so I made him go inside — he’s a major giggler. Well, I was smoking too and it always makes me horny so I stripped him down and threw him on the bed. As soon as I hopped on, his eyes just rolled to the back of his head and he sat there with his mouth open, practically drooling.

Is this what 'Risky Business' is about?

I was drinking on a half-bar of Xanax one night and ended up making the bad decision to go home from a frat party with one of my guy friends. We ended up getting busy and the lights were off. I was blackout, mind you. We were both going in to kiss each other at the same time and we whacked heads so hard. My nose started bleeding everywhere and I got a concussion from it. Rocked the shit out of my sunglasses at our joint (lol) Greek homecoming event the next day — plus, it made for a funny story.

Lemme whisper in your ear

The first time I did molly for a concert, and I tried to hook up with my ex after. He couldn't get it up, so we got in a super deep philosophical conversation — bad idea when a high school boy is involved. It basically ended with me asking him if he loved me as much as I loved him, him saying no, and me crying in the back of his mom's van. Also, it was a Ying Yang Twins concert :-/////////

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