We’re confessing the most embarrassing lies we’ve told online, so come laugh at us
‘I told him I was a vampire too’
by Ari Bines
Long before the days of reverse image search and an entire cultural phenomenon dedicated to exposing online posers, we were just trifling children scamming our way through the World Wide Web.
We loved faking our age, pretending to be Lindsay Lohan, and posing as classmates. We were messes! But with distance comes wisdom, and we're finally able to laugh at the massive whoppers we told on Neopets, AIM, Club Penguin, and the Yahoo! sex chatroom we definitely shouldn't have been in.
I somehow convinced someone I had a vampire boyfriend. Like they believed everything I said for some insane reason. My credibility was confirmed when when I couldn't show him a picture because vampires don't show up in pictures. Genius.
I met this guy online in like 2009 on AIM. He was from a different country, and I was way more ignorant then. One day, I just got really bored chatting to him and decided I was over it. When he tried to contact me again, I told him I'd been hit by a car and lost some of my memory, so he'd stop messaging me. Kind of primitive ghosting, right?
I was on Neopets and I wanted to join a guild. There was a werewolf guild and I was like "I'm interested!" So I started sending messages to a guild administrator or whatever, and they were quizzing me about my qualifications. They were like "You can only join if you're a werewolf!" and I was like…"I am."
That night, I got too nervous about lying, so I told my mom everything and she got mad at me for talking to strangers online.
The biggest lie I ever told was that I was a man. I don't know, I was young and wanted to net-fuck women on Club Penguin. I guess I'm a good actor because they all believed me.
My favorite lies also took place on Neopets, specifically on the forums. I was in like, fifth grade but decided to pretend I was like 21 (the oldest age I could think of at the time loooool) and used a picture of a Victoria's Secret model and said it was me. I guess we were all really gullible in the early days of social networking because a bunch of other girls were like, "Wow I love Victoria's Secret! You make such good products" and I was always like, "OMG thank u so much, that means a lot" because I had to stay humble, you know?
My best friend and I told one girl who always wanted to get into our group chat on Neopets that you had to actually lightly blow on a guy's dick in order to give a proper blow job. She actually did it.
I somehow managed to trick a guy on Yahoo! Messenger that I was a twin and let him “meet” both of us when we video chatted. That one was fun.
My friend and I were addicted to the Resident Evil movies. So we were messing with people on Club Penguin one time and someone asked what the "T virus" was. So we told this one girl that it was an STD. We said if she didn't know about it her physical features were probably showing that she was infected.
She told her mom she contracted the "T virus" and her mom frantically called the doctor who told her no such a thing existed. God, we were bitches.