I asked strangers to rate my nudes and give me feedback
Let their advice to me guide you too
by Ari Bines
Surfing any online dating app will typically end in some form of trauma. It's a swamp filled with bad puns, Catfish and a never-ending blackhole of nudes. It's a cesspool, yeah, but maybe there's some untapped potential.
So I threw myself into the dirty waters of Tinder, got a bunch of digits and went in search of guys who I consented to objectify me, willing to rate every hot nude I'd ever taken. After getting my results and reviews, I'm pretty sure my pudgy body is hot enough to star in a sex tape.
Adam got straight to the point
He gave me no words, no commentary, just a score of 9. I kinda felt a little offended because I wanted some feedback — especially about why he couldn't give me a flat out 10. I almost broke my back trying to get into this position and this is all I have to show for it. Cut a girl some slack!
Shockingly, my censored tits got me a higher score
His explanation why he gave my jigglypuffs a perfect score was all about the tease. Apparently, holding back is the hottest thing you can do! When I got this text, it actually made me smile, which isn't exactly the standard reaction after someone's judged my ashy ass. But hey, the male species will shock you (in a good way) sometimes.
This guy deducted points for sending a nude with my shirt on
So I gave him what he asked for and received a much better score
I'm super insecure about my ass with its lumps, craters and dark spots, but evidently, it's not that hard to impress a guy. Or maybe I'm just hot! The very basic key here is to show more of what's on the menu, and the rating will go all the way up.
This guy didn't care for my back rolls position
A damn 7!?!?!?!? He's buggin, bro. My ass is out, my shape is fiiiiirrreee, and I get a score like this? I feel like Nia from Dance Moms, constantly being placed at the bottom of Abby's pyramid after receiving this score. Taking nudes is no easy feat — and even though I used a selfie stick to photograph this one, I couldn't catch a break.
James also gave me a score of 9
Then I asked why I didn't get a perfect score, and of course that's when it got gross
When I inquired further about my score after his lame sex joke, he stopped responding. I guess that's to be expected when you're asking to be judged like you would in any other sport (did you really think there wasn't any athleticism is required when taking these nudes?) Even in the Olympics, judges don't explain their reasoning, so he kind of had a right to ghost me.
Kareem basically fell in love with me
Guys really seemed to love this wagon I got behind me (for the locals reading, that means ass), and Kareem was no exception. The ultimate takeaway from this is if you don't want to end up in combative convos for not showing your face in a nude photo, just show your ass. It's the best kind of deflection.
And this guy read my ass (literally) for filth
So he was stuck between giving me 8 or 9, which I honestly think is some bullshit. It's clearly a solid 9.5 (I'm humble as fuck, clearly), and considering he gave me such a lengthy critique, I was hoping for a rating better than that.
I was pretty surprised that they all respected me enough not to show me theirs after I showed them mine. As it turns out, when you actually allow men to objectify you, they pussy out on the opportunity to send dick pics when the moment presents itself. Go figure!
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