Here’s your Mother’s Day MILF bracket, because it’s fun and you know it

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Here’s your Mother’s Day MILF bracket, because it’s fun and you know it

Sorry Fergie, but you’re not on the list

It's Mother's Day, and you already know how we're celebrating here at babe — we're ranking MILFs like our lives depend on it. You guys like it when we lift women up instead of tearing them down, right?

But first, lemme clear something up: we're not ranking these women purely based on fuckability. We're not Barstool. These women are MILFs in the most aspirational sense possible — they're gorgeous, they're powerful and they've got famous kids. Basically, the type of woman I'd wanna age into if I was interested in fame (or children). Think of it as a ranking of women who embody the MILF archetype. Mother I'd Like to F-Emulate.

Anyway, we Very Scientifically assembled this list of the best and brightest MILFs pop culture has to offer, and now it's up to you to make them duke it out. May the best MILF win!

24. Melania Trump

On the one hand, Melania is a former model so she used to be professionally hot — and the fact that she's Barron's mom is very clearly the only thing keeping her tethered to this world. On the other hand: COMPLICIT!

And, side note — Michelle Obama is a very purposeful omission here. We respect her way too much. But the same cannot be said about her husband's presence on an upcoming DILF bracket.

23. Cleopatra

Image may contain: Statue, Sculpture, Art

She looks hot in this tablet.

So Cleopatra rocked a cat eye on the daily, was a whole-ass pharaoh and has her tits fully out in like, every painting of her. That's MILF behavior for sure.

But the fact remains that cameras didn't exist in Ancient Egypt, so even though she looks hot carved in stone or etched on papyrus, we can't actually know how fuckable she was, and that's a bad thing. Next.

22. Bhad Bhabie's Mom

@bhadbhabie ❤️❤️

A post shared by Barbara Ann Bregoli (@barbara_ann_bregoli) on

You guys already know how I feel about Bhad Bhabie: I literally will not shut the fuck up about her. And so, by extension, I also love and respect the woman who raised her — Barbara Ann Bregoli.

But let's be honest — she's not really independently famous so she's seeded pretty low. Danielle, forgive me.

21. Yoko Ono

Pussy so good it broke up The Beatles! Definitely had nothing to do with Lennon's Christ complex, right? Anyway, Yoko is a genuine weirdo and I think that's awesome — but most people don't agree. Plus, naming your kid Sean Lennon? That's a little much.

Sorry Yoko, but all of that means you're staying down towards the bottom of the list.

20. Madonna

Madonna obviously thinks that Madonna should be at the top of the MILF bracket, and at the end of the day that's what really matters, right?

I just think she's trying too hard, and everybody knows that trying hard is a metaphorical boner annihilator.

19. Dina Lohan

A post shared by Dina Lohan (@dinalohan) on

Dina Lohan is 1000 percent prettier than me, but I'm also positive that she ruined Lindsay's life, so she's not too high up here.

18. Vanessa Paradis

A post shared by Lily-Rose Depp (@lilyrose_depp) on

Okay, so that's obviously not a current picture of Lily-Rose Depp's mom, but for the fucking life of me I couldn't find one that we're legally allowed to use, so you'll have to deal with it.

Vanessa is obviously gorgeous in that unattainable, European kinda way, but has fallen off the map post-Depp. Good for her, bad for the bracket.

17. Gwyneth Paltrow

From last night. #gettingready

A post shared by @ bradfalchuk on

Gwyneth's children aren't famous, but their names are famously dumb. Apple?! APPLE!? I hope she doesn't consciously uncouple with me for ranking her at number 17.

16. Goldie Hawn

Happy birthday baby! Your light still tickles my nose 😘 Lucky me! 💏

A post shared by Goldie Hawn (@officialgoldiehawn) on

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been married for like infinity years and really seem to love each other — MILFtastic! Plus, Kate Hudson is such a star in her own right that I didn't even know they were related until I started compiling this list.

But she was also in that low-key racist movie with Amy Schumer, so… meh.

15. Courtney Love

Did she kill Kurt Cobain? I hope not! Does she look remarkably good for someone implicated in the death of Kurt Cobain? Um, fuck yeah she does.

14. Lisa Vanderpump

Everyone who has ever appeared on an episode of a Real Housewives Of XYZ is a MILF. Their husbands? MILFs. That dog she's holding? MILF. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Oh, wait. Yeah I do. 😈

13. Nicole Kidman

Taking a moment to breathe it all in. Happy Monday xx

A post shared by Nicole Kidman (@nicolekidman) on

Did you motherfuckers SEE Big Little Lies!? DID YOU SEE IT? I don't care that Nicole doesn't really have a famous child — she's famously married to weirdo Australian-but-country Keith Urban, and that's good enough for me.

12. Victoria Beckham

Love u so much x kisses @Cruzbeckham X ✨

A post shared by Victoria Beckham (@victoriabeckham) on

Victoria Beckham famously said she was unable to even think in flats, so had to always wear heels. She's a singer, an entrepreneur, a mom of four identical boys with cheekbones from here to fucken Mars. Victoria is the sexiest milf to ever come out of England, and I've seen photos of The Queen in the 1950s – that bish was a skinny British Empire legend, a snatched hoe presiding over the dying days of her nation as a world power. Rawr!

11. Cher

me

A post shared by Cher (@cher) on

Cher is a woke queen, will probably live forever, and obviously knows how to put on a good show.

I'm pretty sure she's the key to the Singularity, and if she ever made eye contact with me I think I'd get so excited I'd puke. Hot, right?

10. Yolanda Hadid

Yolanda was basically born to be a MILF. She's a former model, and she takes tons of pictures with her physically flawless offspring.

She even lets poor un-famous Anwar grace her social media feed, so she's a good mom too — just don't talk about her husband's alleged bad behavior.

9. Demi Moore

Is there any behavior more native and specific to a MILF than making your child pose next to you to show off how similar you both look? "We look like twins!" Meanwhile, Rumer is fuming, and just wants Demi to stop borrowing her crop tops without asking.

Demi is also the woman who introduced us all to the concept of a "cougar" — major bonus points!

8. Tish Cyrus

Makin Music @billyraycyrus #homelife #music #love

A post shared by Tish Cyrus (@tishcyrus) on

Tish Cyrus has it made, man. Her kids are all (relatively) musically talented, her husband definitely worships the ground she walks on and she's blonde.

Some MILFs have all the luck!

7. Jada Pinkett Smith

Jada is straight up ageless, and even though she raised two children who might just be aliens, she seems genuinely happy — and that's sexy as hell!

I watched Girl's Trip with my aunt last Christmas and am happy to confirm that alway all ways, Ms. Pinkett Smith has still g-o-t i-t. We don't need to talk about the Sc*entology stuff.

6. Lisa Bonet

A post shared by Lisa Bonet (@officiallisabonet) on

Lisa Bonet is so well-preserved, I legitimately thought Zoe was married to Jason Momoa, because I'd only seen pictures of the two of them together in passing and I do not give a fuck about Game of Thrones.

She isn't verified on Instagram either, which gives her a sexy air of MILFstery. What are you hiding, queen!?

5. Cindy Crawford

Sandy on set…

A post shared by Cindy Crawford (@cindycrawford) on

Cindy Crawford simply does not need to keep serving us looks like this. Nor did she need to produce a daughter who is basically a clone of her.

Wait a second. Is Kaia Gerber a clone?! Is Cindy Crawford a genetic engineering GENIUS? Fuck yeah, MILFs in STEM.

4. Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon also looks eerily similar to her model daughter. I guess it's not that eerie, because they're related, but you know what I mean!

Reese is exceptionally well-preserved, and also seems like she's still super fucking fun to hang out with. Of course the actress who turned Elle Woods into a feminist icon grew up to be a complete and total MILF.

3. Angelina Jolie

Is Angelina Jolie the Most Beautiful Woman? Like, ever? I really, truly believe that she is perfect looking, even though she also seems very intense.

Again, it's not that any of her individual children are famous in their own right, they just famously… exist. Which honestly sounds like the best of both worlds. Do you think Ang would adopt me, or is that off the table now that she and Brad are donesies?

2. Tina Knowles

Someone just sent this to me ! Wow one side me one side Bey ❤️

A post shared by Tina Knowles (@mstinalawson) on

I am afraid of Tina Knowles. I'm kind of scared that I even put her on this list. She is very beautiful, very graceful, raised two of the most talented artists working in music, and that's all I have to say about that.

1. Kris Jenner

Oh, Kris, Kris, Kris. You all knew this was coming, right? MILF and momager are one in the same when you really think about it — or if you don't think about it much at all.

Kris built an empire off a sex tape, will be rich forever, and the day she dies, a nation will weep. She is the Alpha-MILF, and we should all be bowing down.

You can print out, and fill out, the whole bracket here.

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