Watch this video of an adorably drunk Chris Evans at the ‘Avengers’ premiere, then go take a pregnancy test

Ok, girls and gays, can I let you in on a little secret of mine?

I don't understand The Avengers movies, and I never will. I just have too many questions! Is this different to the Justice League? Is Ben Affleck's phoenix tattoo one of the Infinity Stones I'm reading so much about? Why is Benedict Cumbersnatch so ugly but his Avengers character so hot? Are y'all serious when you say a movie starring a foul-mouthed CGI raccoon voiced by Bradley Cooper is not only beloved but critically acclaimed? Fuck right off.

But you know what? I continue to give AMC my semi-hard-earned dollars every time they come out because who cares about the plot?! Every single Marvel character gives off a very specific, athletic sexual energy I haven't seen since high school gym class (I refused to dress out and walked the mile with the girls who bought Hot Cheetos from the vending machine, obviously). The hottest and most athletic of them all? Chris Evans, who was blessed with a MAGA face but a Bernie soul.

Stumbling upon this video of him adorably wasted at the Age of Ultron premiere made my terrible Tuesday considerably better, and I know it'll do the same for you. I mean, come on:

Those sweet, bleary eyes! That good-natured laugh! That…form-fitting suit. It was in that moment I knew that Captain America was the most powerful superfriend, with meat that's both large and holy. Avenge on, big boy. Avenge on.