Mom, can you come pick me up? It’s Gemini Season and I’m scared


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Mom, can you come pick me up? It’s Gemini Season and I’m scared

We can sense the dark spirits grabbing hold…

I have a genius idea for a horror movie franchise, and I'm hoping a studio coughs up the cash to make it happen because it's genuinely the most terrifying thing I can think of. You know The Purge, in which people have to survive a night of legalized crime/murder/flamethrowers in the streets?

Now picture having to survive Gemini Season while dating a Gemini. Did you just catch a chill down your back? Yeah, me too.

Gemini Season officially kicked off yesterday, and we're already feeling the effects. If you haven't been stretching, drinking lots of water and practicing the block this number thumb-movement on your screen, all I can say is good luck because you're sure as hell gonna need it.

First of all, we know that even during the off-season, Geminis are like Gremlins: they multiply and level up when you give them attention. (I mean, think that's the plot of Gremlins, I don't know! That movie always had too sinister a sexual energy for me, I had to stay away.)

Back to my original point — Geminis suck the life out of us year-round, but things go from worse to worserer during this unholy 30-day stretch. Expect to get stabbed in the back, fucked over, and railroaded by the absolute sexiest motherfuckers in your phone book. And really, that's the problem with Geminis as a whole: they're so sexy and evil that even though I know inviting Aaron the Gemini who once broke my fucking bed frame then refused to help me buy a new one is an idea so self-destructive even Kanye hates it, I'm absolutely powerless to stop myself.

So what can be done to protect ourselves against these sexy snakes hellbent on torching everything we've ever known and loved? Self-esteem is a start but we need realistic ideas. There are basically two ways we can go about girding against the Gems:

1. Practice self-care tips like refusing to hang out with people who make you feel bad or want to take advantage of you or try to force you into doing tequila off a drag queen's contoured tits at 3:30 a.m. on a Tuesday.


2. Just lean the fuck into it because eventually death comes for us all.