Mom, can you come pick me up? It’s Gemini Season and I’m scared
We can sense the dark spirits grabbing hold…
by Amanda Ross
I have a genius idea for a horror movie franchise, and I'm hoping a studio coughs up the cash to make it happen because it's genuinely the most terrifying thing I can think of. You know The Purge, in which people have to survive a night of legalized crime/murder/flamethrowers in the streets?
Now picture having to survive Gemini Season while dating a Gemini. Did you just catch a chill down your back? Yeah, me too.
Gemini Season officially kicked off yesterday, and we're already feeling the effects. If you haven't been stretching, drinking lots of water and practicing the block this number thumb-movement on your screen, all I can say is good luck because you're sure as hell gonna need it.
First of all, we know that even during the off-season, Geminis are like Gremlins: they multiply and level up when you give them attention. (I mean, think that's the plot of Gremlins, I don't know! That movie always had too sinister a sexual energy for me, I had to stay away.)
Back to my original point — Geminis suck the life out of us year-round, but things go from worse to worserer during this unholy 30-day stretch. Expect to get stabbed in the back, fucked over, and railroaded by the absolute sexiest motherfuckers in your phone book. And really, that's the problem with Geminis as a whole: they're so sexy and evil that even though I know inviting Aaron the Gemini who once broke my fucking bed frame then refused to help me buy a new one is an idea so self-destructive even Kanye hates it, I'm absolutely powerless to stop myself.
imagine carrying your son or daughter for 9 months just to find out it's gonna be a Gemini
— 𝙼𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘𝚙 (@chalhoubmark) May 21, 2017
So what can be done to protect ourselves against these sexy snakes hellbent on torching everything we've ever known and loved? Self-esteem is a start but we need realistic ideas. There are basically two ways we can go about girding against the Gems:
1. Practice self-care tips like refusing to hang out with people who make you feel bad or want to take advantage of you or try to force you into doing tequila off a drag queen's contoured tits at 3:30 a.m. on a Tuesday.
2. Just lean the fuck into it because eventually death comes for us all.
Your Mercury sign reveals everything about your love life. Here’s what yours means
It is the ruling force of your love life
by Una Dabiero
I'll be honest with you guys: I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. I take every personality quiz I run into on Facebook, I stalk my own social media profiles, and I've spent a LOT of time figuring out my love language. But I think one of the best ways to discover your…
Your weekly horoscopes are here, and they’re ALL about your summer crush
It’s gonna be an emo week
by Una Dabiero
The stars are aligning to get us all super fucked up this week. Venus the love planet is in Leo, making us proud and loud about our feelings. At the same time, Mercury, the mind planet, is in Cancer to soften our logic and strengthen our emotions. I don't know about y'all, but I'm scared.…
Your horoscopes are here, and this is what today’s ‘twilight zone effect’ means for your sign
There’s a plot twist coming…
by Caroline Phinney
You know how in the Twilight Zone everything is not what is seems? Today, because the Moon in Aquarius is void and forms no major aspects to major bodies after 1pm, you can (and should) expect major, unexpected plot twists in your life.AriesToday's Moon is going to bring you the plot twist you’ve been waiting for. For some reason…