No more Miss America swimsuit contest? It’s time to just throw the entire pageant away

Beauty pageants are one of those weird traditions of American life most of us have some kind of connection to, even if we don't talk about it. Like, let me guess: you know at least someone who put on the big dress and danced around on stage for the coveted title of "It Girl." You know someone from high school who competed for the crown at the State Fair or someone from Instagram who trains to wear heels with a bikini like a FUCKING ANIMAL. You've at least watched Toddlers and Tiaras. TLC was God's gift to man.

But even if somehow you've avoided the grips of bad reality television or you haven't met someone who's trained to wear a skin-tight bejeweled gown, you know who Miss America is. No, not literally. You don't keep up with all the blonde Jennys from Arkansas who win the ribbon.

You know who Miss America is as a concept — the 'perfect' American woman

Miss America has been synonymous with ideal American beauty since it started in 1921. It's the adjective rappers use to describe their perfect woman. It's the compliment you slide into your best friend's Instagram comments. It's the beautiful woman with perfect curls and abnormally white teeth you saw on the cover of InStyle waiting with your mom at the grocery store.

But now it's 2018

In a new world of Fentys and Ashley Grahams and woke Teen Vogues, we're reconsidering what we think is beautiful. And more importantly, we're considering if we should sit around judging if someone is beautiful at all.

The Miss America Organization is trying to modernize itself by cutting its swimsuit contest in the 2019 competition

Chairwoman Gretchen Carlson said so herself. They're trying to rebrand the pageant as a way to celebrate women's personalities and contributions to society rather than celebrating their (often very thin and very white) bodies. And while trying to do the right thing should be celebrated, is it even possible for them to remake this tradition? Especially considering this is, y'know, a thinly-veiled marketing move.

Sure, women won't be expected to run around on-stage in bikinis for everyone to judge if the right things jiggle

But The Miss America Organization's founding purpose was judging women's appearances. Cutting the bikini section and allowing women to "wear whatever they want" during the evening gown contest doesn't change that. Think about it: In the 1920s, women sure as HELL weren't wearing their bikinis on stage. But they were still being judged for what they looked like and how they stacked up to other women. And that's going to be the truth no matter what the contestants are wearing in 2019.

Miss America is trying to warp the show into something it's not. But if they cared about symbolically shutting down misogyny, they would cancel the show. They would cancel the whole damn organization — especially after its sexual harassment scandal. They would make the show more accessible to women who can't afford to take time off work to compete in circuit after circuit. They would start a new organization in its place that's not about the chance to travel the country celebrating vets and NASCAR while wearing a Swarovski-studded tiara.

But we all know it's not really about making change. It's about making an organization that can make money in 2018

Feminism is exploited for marketing everyday. Virtue signaling brings in the big bucks. Just think about Fortune 500 company Mattel selling us Marxist Frida Kahlo dolls to appeal to our anti-capitalist hipster sentiments. Or think about Glossier selling us makeup to enhance our natural beauty. Because au naturale is the hot, feminist thing. You know?

Gretchen Carlson can't be out here acting like a feminist icon while she takes home a check from Fox News. And Miss America can't pretend it's anything but an American tradition that should've been left in 1950.

No swimsuit contest? That's great. But if we're trying to be symbolic here, we need to throw the whole pageant away.

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