Everything you should know before you become a hoe this summer
Is your day planner ready?
by Ari Bines
There's something about the hot, muggy weather that has everybody's hormones running rampant. Coats are back in the closet, visible thongs are making an appearance in your low-rise jeans, and we're all out here having eye sex with each other.
Summer hoeing isn't for the faint of heart, though. Girls who dedicate their summer months to getting laid and getting paid work harder than US Marines. And if you think you're ready to start throwing it back post-rooftop rose, think again. Luckily for you, I've got all the tips. Here's everything you need to know before you hoe this summer:
Incorporate at least 3 different slinky lingerie sets into your weekly wardrobe
You never know when a hottie will come along, offer to buy you a drank at the bar and then sweep you off to their studio apartment. Next thing you know, you're on the brink of breaking their kitchen island — you know, from the fucking.
Life happens when you least expect it. So if you're planning to hoe it up, get used to a wedged thong in your butt throughout the workday because the greatest hoes know that preparedness is key. Also, even if you didn't get it in with a potential hookup, you can always utilize the undies as a photo op and upload some sexy thottie vids to your social stories. Lingerie should never go to waste.
Keep some BC in your BP
Keeping your birth control in your back pocket (I'll also accept BP options: backpack, black purse, bussy pouch) ensures you don't toss away all responsibility because you chose to spend the night and went for round two in the morning. I trust condoms…to an extent. But there's no such thing as being too safe when we're talking bout sex.
Save the $40-$50 you'd spend on a morning after pill and use it for another round of mojitos with the girls.
Carry a small, but functional backpack on girls night out
The last guy I was hooking up with either carried a backpack or duffle every time he came to visit because he never knew where the night would take him. Or maybe he was in between homes? But in any case, I recommend you do the same.
When you're young and indecisive, you don't know which bitch is going to drag you to hookah, a house party or maybe even their bed.
Prepare so much that you're practically ready to go to war. That includes taking the most essential makeup brushes (I know you have the entire Morphe brush set, but girl), the lightest makeup that won't come off during sex, and fuzzy slippers because your feet will definitely howl after waiting for the club's bouncer to let you in.
Include detailed descriptions next to the names of each scheduled dick appointment
While the rest of your life may be a total mess straight out of an episode of The Real World, organize your contact list. As terrible as this may sound, take the number of any guy who asks for yours and put some kind of descriptor next to it (Big Dick Chris, Medium-Dick John, Rangers Tattoo Jeff.) It'll help you to decipher which Ben to block and which to send peach emojis.
I love when I label contacts in my phone with descriptions rather then their name.. For example, "fake bitch", "psychopath", or "this bitch"
— The White Mamba (@MattiClue) May 25, 2012
God forbid some sexy bank dude you slept with has the same name as the ex-con you just couldn't do a second date with. Descriptions for where, when and what the vibe was like for anyone you might seek dick from later on will save you from a helluva lot of drama.
Bring your own fucking condoms
It's no one's responsibility but your own to bring the goodie bag. I once made the mistake of being dependent on a man, and I was shaken with fear for my next pap appointment after I went…raw.
If you carry your own, you won't find yourself disappointment and regret that you traveled all that way to get plowed for absolutely nothing.
If someone's even just a little bit tipsy, take a damn cab, girl
Just because it's the weekend and your intent is to blackout, don't ride with someone who seems even a little unstable. You probably don't have a PhD or the driver's medical records, so who are you to say if they're "okay to drive" ?? Once you have to speculate the level of drunkeness, it's an immediate no-go. Always always always have Uber fare.
so very tipsy. driving home was an extreme sport.
— Abigail. (@abiriketaa) June 1, 2018
I can't drive, but I know I'm one of the best backseat drivers you'll ever meet. bBefore you go out and hoe out, know who plans to be behind the wheel before (because people still pre-game) and after drinks.
Bring some granny panties
Yes, I know, they're the most hideous pieces in your dresser, but it's the best method to staying comfy once the dick is done. I don't enjoy laying naked in a bed of chilly butt sweat afterwards, and neither do you. A simple pair of girl briefs and a tank should be enough to separate your body from the sheets of last night's activities. Better yet, steal one of their oversized shirts.
Research yawl's mutual friends beforehand
It's hard to separate conflicted feelings after discovering your potential hookup is Facebook friends with the girl who bullied you back in your brace-face phase.
someone teach me how to hoe around lmao
— lanezzz (@laynie_tebaldi) June 10, 2018
If you've met the guy or girl online, scroll through and find out who's in their immediate circle. No one wants to be caught off guard to find out a bffl has already sunk their claws into them. It just makes things more complicated and that's not the hoe way.
Groom yo'self, please!
I…really shouldn't have to say this, but it's hot and bitches can get a little musty when they've been at it during odd hours of the day. There are plenty of ways to prepare for a one night stand, and I suggest you use them before you get a funky reputation.
I mean more than dousing yourself in the Glossier You fragrance, but bring a some of your most suave body wash and a small cloth. I know you're not leading a sketchy life, but if you're a true hoe out here, then you understand this lifestyle means commitment and dedication.
Don't share pics of them sleeping
Best case scenario: They'll later hint at a relationship. Worst case scenario: They'll later hint at a relationship knowing damn well you're the side chick, but is willing to go the extra mile for you.
It doesn't make you Instagram official, it will not get you a bigger following, but what it will get you is a big ol beat down from a baby mama's pimp hand. Stand down, stay clear and get this dick so you can call it a day.
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