Being a Thot Mom is the only aspiration I have left in life

When we were really little in the early 90s and only knew skinny Barbies, every commercial geared towards girls was for baby dolls. I had them all, even the one that peed its own diaper because I was clearly a very stupid child who literally thought wiping pretend piss from a plastic vulva was the height of fun.

Then, we got a little older and Barbie went to the moon or developed the HPV vaccine or whatever, and my ambitions shifted: I wanted a career, too! I wanted to wear pants! I carried a briefcase and wore fake glasses for a dress-up game in which I inexplicably called myself Dr. Crotch, despite the fact that there were no crotches involved in this game. The point is, I wanted to be a career lady.

But now I am a Career Lady, and Barbie is thicc. Things have changed. So naturally, what I want out of life has swung in the complete opposite direction: I want kids…but I wanna be really, really sexy while I do it. Blame Chrissy Teigen, Fergie, and Kylie motherfucking Jenner — I wanna be a Thot Mom.

Thot Moms are not MILFS

Mother is the first word in MILF. Thot is the first word in Thot Mom. And that should tell you everything you need to know. MILFs are moms who happen to be hot and fuckable. Your male friends got prepubescent boners when local MILFs wore v-necks. But Thot Moms are different. For a Thot Mom, being sexy is at the forefront of all parenting responsibilities.

So whereas a MILF would say, "Time to go pick up little Nayvie from school!" and throw on a boob-hugging sweater, the Thot Mom would say, "I love this sweater that fully exposes both of my rock-hard nipples. Where can I go to show it off? Oh yeah, baby Sayndstorm's school. And I can pick him up while I'm there!"

Thot Moms are of the Instagram Age

It's critical that all Thotty Mom activities are documented online. That way, you can amass a DM collection of dudes trying to get you pregnant again and companies trying to get you to make a Boomerang video of you crushing up appetite-suppressant lollipops to mix into your baby's formula.

There are a few ways to chronicle your Thot Mom Life: One of the easiest is to simply part your lips like you're about to apply lipgloss and then record yourself doing a menial, baby-related task like changing your child's b'jong, which is a baby jean thong — patent pending. Additionally, you can take something that would be boring and unsexy (like giving birth, or a christening) and make it fun and sexy (get anal bleaching before the epidural, wear Rihanna's Met Gala sexy pope outfit). It's really just about creativity here, ladies.

Above all, Thot Moms are hot

I think one of the greatest things about getting pregnant is that you can just let your stomach kind of do its thing and no one cares. I saw this gorgeous, bohemian Thot Mom on Bedford Avenue yesterday and she was wearing this gauzy white two-piece outfit with her giant, tanned, fetus-filled stomach hanging out. It was amazing!

You know who wears those ugly maternity jeans with elastic bands? Moms. You know who wears bikini tops and cowboy boots to their niece's middle school graduations? Thot Moms! If you lean into a thotty existence, you become limitless like Bradley Cooper in that movie, or me when I drink a crispy Sprite from McDonalds — like all my synapses are firing at once.

Really, isn't that the message we want to share with our kids? That you can live your life however you want and dress how you want and own your sexuality and your body your choice and all that? I'm ready for the Thot Mom life. Buuuut I'm also not ready to stop taking my birth control yet either. If you have a baby I can borrow to take poolside semi-nudes for me, please contact me [email protected]