Dr. Phil might just be the hottest man in our solar system

Even though I know the phrase daddy issues is outdated and people like to say it's not real (lol, sure Jan), I feel the need to preface this story with the fact that I do not have daddy issues. My dad is great, we talk constantly to discuss Vanderpump Rules, and he always showed up for Career Day in elementary school.

Because of this, I feel like y'all will take me more seriously when I hit you with another fact: Dr. Phil is the world's most perfect man.

And I'm gonna show YOU why we should worship at his loader-clad feet!

Dr. Phil gives a fuck about me and you!

Phil McGraw is more than just a 6'6" sculpture of partially- follicle'd man meat! He's a clinical/forensic psychologist who cares about our collective well-being! And yeah, he's really a doctor — he got his PhD in clinical psychology. Which is kind of a doctor, right? Even if it's a in-name-only kind of thing.

And sure, it's all well and good that he's an ex-college football player so skrong, he could punt me to the 50-yard line. But my man…his mind is so powerful! I don't know if you've ever had the distinctly daytime privilege of catching his Oprah-endorsed show, but Philliam (that's his government name) really lays down the law. Once, when home sick with the swine flu in 2010, he looked deep into a crackhead's eyes and said, "We got a sayin' down in Texas: You can put yer boots in the oven but that don't make 'em biscuits!"

To this day, I still don't know what it means — I lived in Texas for 21 years and never heard anyone say that. But I still think of that cryptic, vaguely threatening maxim every time I open my oven door to make a frozen pizza.

Dr. Phil is a pop culture icon, more powerful than the gods

Consider this, haters: Dr. Phil is a product of Oprah. So to say Dr. Phil is, for example, a money-hungry hack who provides overly simplistic pseudo-solutions to people who desperately need psychiatric intervention would be to doubt the word of Ms. Winfrey. And tongues who rise against Gayle's wife will be banished to the deepest circle of the underworld to be consumer in unrelenting hellfire for eternity. Is that really what you want?

After all, Dr. Phil McGraw of Dr. Phil McGraw Industries has been an institution for decades now. I mean, he's responsible for Danielle "Cash Me Oussside" Bregoli. And for that, we owe him our lives:

He's just fucking hot, OK?

Were you paying attention earlier when I said he was 6'6"? What about the part in which I said he's worth $400 million dollars? Trick question, I hadn't said that yet. But I bet you're intrigued now. Look at this photo and tell me you can't feel the intense power radiating from it:

Dr. Phil is an agent of the cosmos, that much I know. And though some in the MEDIA try to LIBEL him with LIES like THIS:

I know he was put on this marginally green earth to take care of us. And by us, I mean me. I won't stop until we either hook up, or he accidentally hits me with his Mercedes, triggering a delicious financial payout. Oh, and he definitely used a fork.