Your weekly horoscopes are here, and you’re about to lower your standards


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Your weekly horoscopes are here, and you’re about to lower your standards


Venus square Jupiter is ideal for having fun, but not as ideal for getting shit done. We experience a strong desire for pleasure in our lives, but it's easy to let this desire spiral out of control — aaand it's only Monday, folks.

Here's everything the stars have in store for you this week, with illustrations by Lucy Turnbull for babe ✨.


More than usual, you'll want to be careful not to get overly emotional about anything, especially when it comes to your relationships. Do not overstate your feelings, and do not set up unrealistic expectations for people. Do take a step back, and stop thinking about texting him every two minutes. Damn.


Affairs, diet-cheating, absolutely nothing is off limits this week, even though some things probably should be. Venus square Jupiter is like a glutton's wet dream and you, my friend, will have to be stronger than all this. If you know you have zero self-control, don't put yourself in tempting situations in the first place. It's that easy.


You're going to have to take anything anyone says with a grain of salt. Venus square Jupiter brings out exaggerated emotions in people, making everything they do and say seem heavy-handed. If it feels like someone is getting pissy with you, wait to act on it. You'll just end up making yourself look stupid.


Greedy, greedy, greedy. You want to enjoy it all, but you don't want to deal with any of the consequences. Typical water sign behavior. Venus square Jupiter is a tempting time, but it's tempting for all of us. You don't get to live in a rule-free world just because you look sweet on the outside. People can still see right through you.


You've been guilty of overindulging lately (which you hopefully already know, so I don't know why I'm here telling you this.) This week, it will be particularly tempting to eat and do things you know you shouldn't. You're going to want to text all the wrong people and blow off work. Instead, prove them wrong. Show them what you're capable of. If you're still capable of it….


If you need do take care of absolutely anything serious, get it done and get it done early. Venus square Jupiter can be a super fun, ~careless time, but it also tests our ability to say no. You're gonna want to eat like shit, drink more than usual and stay up late. But there is a limit to how much fun you can have before you crash and burn.


I didn't think your standards could get any lower, but…here we fuckin' are. Look, I get it, and I know I'm not your friend but your friends clearly haven't been honest with you, so I will be. You are making yourself look like an absolute idiot. If you want people to respect you, you're going to have to do better.


Everything in moderation, okay? I get you're in a good mood and you want to celebrate, but there's a big difference between celebrating and overdoing it. It's like you're talking to anyone and eating anything, and aren't thinking about how this is going to fuck you in the end. Try and learn a little self-control.


Oof. Have you checked up on your finances lately? Because things are NOT looking good. What the hell have you been spending so much money on anyway? Do you even remember? Venus square Jupiter is a time where we want to overindulge, but you've been doing enough overindulging, don't you think?


If you know you have a problem with control, don't even think about tempting yourself this week. Everything will be desirable, and you're emotions will already be spilling over the edge. If you're going to want to text him, block him before you can. If you're going to want to drink to excess, stay in and hydrate, damnit!


Venus square Jupiter is going to test your strength, but I swear if you snap — if you stop going to the gym, if you cheat on someone you care about, if you try and play two people at once — this shit is going to backfire on you big time. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but Saturn is in retrograde and the gods of karma are watching.


You're embarrassing yourself. Like seriously, how much lower can your standards get? I know, it's not your fault — Venus square Jupiter is a confusing time for all involved — but come on. You're an adult, and you still have autonomy. Stop acting like you have no choice but to go for it. You can choose something else at any time.