Masturbating on your period: Here’s what to know before things get… messy

Okay, so the first thing you’re probably wondering is what woman in her right would kitty flick with flow still visiting? I, however, am not, nor will I ever be, that right-minded woman. Period sex sounded crazy enough, so I'm taking it one step further and calling on you all to try masturbating during that time of the month. If you're not treating period week like it's the best week of your life, are you even living life right? I don't think so, hun.

In your first attempt, try it on the tail-end of your period

If it's your first time masturbating on your period, start out on the third or fourth day when it starts to die down to eliminate as much mess as possible. Personally, I've only tried it when I knew my period would be over in the next 24 hours because I didn't want to deal with any potential…uh…cleanup.

When you really think back to all of your past periods, you'll realize you were just as much of a horndog on day one of your period as you would be on day four or five, so why not go ham on that carpet?

For your own sake, wear a pad

If you want to do it without ruining your sheets, your best bet is wearing a pad in addition to a tampon. Pads, if you buy the right ones, are super comfortable when you're rubbing one out. Soft pads on top of a soft pillow is a win-win situation after your dick appointment failed you. You may also want to lay a towel down if you want to save the all white bedding.

On some occasions, you can ditch the pad entirely if you know your body won't be oozing in the later days of your period. Go for a vibrator (or use a dildo) on the nub only. You could lose your tampon in there if your try DP. It won't be cute, hun.

Do not use the pillow or stuffed toy you sleep with

This should be pretty obvious. If your own period doesn't make you squeamish, then have at it, but if you get too queasy around the sight of blood, refrain from using any plush item you cherish. Not only is it gross, but there could be some unwanted buzzards in bed with you.

Embrace dry humping and only use old pillows that have deflated of any and all fluff, so you're not throwing furnishings away.

Masturbating on your period alleviates cramps

If you think you're only jacking off for the pleasure, you're not thinking outside your box enough. Judith Golden, a sex therapist based in Toronto said: "The strength and intensity of an orgasm can relieve cramps. The hormones released during sexual excitement can also help."

If science says go off if you want to stop dying, who am I to resist the suggestion? Slab that meat, queen! You own it and should be treating it right.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● All the struggles of dating when you’re a 20-year-old grandma

● Having sex every single day of my period actually saved my sex life

● I accidentally got an online sex slave, and it’s actually kind of amazing

@aribines