Megan Barton-Hanson will win Love Island — and here’s why she deserves it
Now look hear me out
“It’s Love Island, not Friend Island!”
This is the mantra that you’ll hear every Love Island contestant proclaim when they’ve mugged someone off, when they’ve been caught out trying to kiss someone on a date, when they’ve broken the heart of another contestant all in the name of winning the show, the £50k prize, and endless social media discussion and column inches over their deplorable behavior.
It’s a mantra summed up by nobody better than Megan Barton-Hanson.
Unlike most contestants, who will use the “Love Island not Friend Island” argument at most twice during the time on the show (more would risk pissing off the general public so much that someone on Twitter will find their address and send death threats to their mum) Megan has embraced it so much that there are already memes about her shagging half the Island. But this is part of Megan’s charm and, crucially, why she’ll eventually win this show that’s taken over our lives all summer. Because unlike all the other contestants Megan Barton-Hanson does not give a fuck.
Megan 2 days into her marriage
“Obviously my husband is a nice guy & I rate him massively, but it’s only been 2 days into our marriage and I dunno now I’ve met the next door neighbor, I dunno it’s just hardddddd”#LoveIsland
— MarinaSapiano (@MarinaSapiano) July 8, 2018
Since entering the villa Megan has adopted what could be called a “try before you buy” approach to her couplings — she’s so far at least got off with Alex, Eyal, Other Alex, Wes and the one I think was called Dean who lived in Casa Amor for five minutes — which has widely led to the nation abandoning their performative wokeness on social media and calling her a slag with wild abandon. But listen, if love worked the same way as Love Island (in that you have to stay with the person you first couple up with to be in with a chance of the fickle public voting you the winner) then we’d all still be with our lackluster first teenage boyfriends. We’d all drive Fiat 500s and live in help to buys in East Grinstead. That’s not a life and Megan understands this. The girl’s spent £25,000 on plastic surgery, she knows a thing or two about self-improvement.
genuinely worried what will happen to the uk if England lose the World Cup, Megan wins love island and this heat wave ends
— jess (@JessBelll1) July 9, 2018
“But what about Jack and Dani!” I hear you cry. “That’s true love!” Yes, reader, you are right. Jack and Dani are pure and their love is true, but that’s just not good fucking telly is it? There’s nothing people love more than a redemption arc, and therein lies the flaw of thinking that Jack and Dani will be your winners. They’re so pure that there’s nothing to redeem. Megan on the other hand, is ripe for a redemption arc. To be truly worthy of a reality TV redemption arc, first you must see yourself become the villain. And this bit she has nailed. Everyone fucking hates her. Even me, writing this article on how she is my Love Island winner, I wouldn’t introduce her to my boyfriend and then leave them together while I go have a wee, that’s all I’m saying. But Megan’s villainous behaviour falls into a tried and tested Love Island formula.
Cast your mind back, all the way back, to season one of the newly rebooted Love Island. The year was 2015, Justin Bieber had briefly become cool again and everyone fucking hated Jess Hayes. Like Megan, Jess was buxom, promiscuous and swapped partners throughout her time in the villa. By the last week of the show, so much vitriol had been heaped upon her that even host Caroline Flack was defending her on aftersun, and pointing out that no boy had received the same level of negative attention, despite being just as muggy. Granted, Megan is one hundred times muggier than Jess could have ever dreamed of, but Jess was just a prototype. Her public persona had veered so far into evil that it had nowhere left to go but to swing back round to “nation’s sweetheart.” Mark my words: This will be Megan.
megan is a fantastic villain in love island precisely bcos she is completely void of any emotion or any internal motivation. she literally just changes her mind on a whim. she revels in chaos like the joker. in this essay i will
— ava wong davies (@avaadavies) July 8, 2018
And let’s be honest, she deserves the win. The winner of Love Island is not a Miss Congeniality award. It’s not a Nobel Peace prize. It’s the prize for entertaining us the most on our gross little shagging show — and nobody does this better than Megan. Ignore the angry tweets about our failure as a nation to vote her out, they’re nothing more than virtue signaling. The people tweeting that know in their hearts, as the rest of us do, deep deep down, that without Megan and all her scheming and doing bits and shagging and mugging, Love Island would be nothing. Megan provides chaos. Without her it would be boring.
Let Jack, Dani and the rest of them make hundreds of thousands from book deals and selling teeth whitener on Instagram, but Megan deserves that 50k.
Finally we’re getting an American Horror Story season that actually sounds good
AHS has finally risen from the ashes
by Ari Bines
Remember how obsessed we all used to be with American Horror Story? I've seen most seasons of American Horror Story, and I can say with authority that things have been downhill since Asylum. Those were the series' halcyon days when things weren't political and Gaga stayed in her lane. But the theme for American Horror…
If he bleaches his hair, you know he’s really going through it
‘Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain’t calling’
by Ari Bines
Ok, maybe this is just based on my limited experience and-slash-or stereotypes from big-studio rom-coms, but when women are are having a rough go of it victimized, we usually do three things: pile ice cream atop a personal pizza (by which I mean a large pizza), shop until we've maxed out our credit cards, and…
The latest thing women can’t do without being blasted online: Literally just going on vacation!
Welcome to Hell!
by Roisin Lanigan
Welcome to 2018. It’s a lawless wasteland and privacy doesn’t exist anymore. You can’t even get on a plane anymore without some lecherous wannabe-BuzzFeed reporter chronicling your every move for millions of strangers around the globe. This is the world we live in. And you know what? The 1984-style hyper-surveillance shit doesn’t end when the plane…