Next time you lock your dumb ass out of your own apartment, get some good content out of it
Loitering is extremely in rn
by Erica Smith
When was the last time you locked yourself out of your fucking apartment? A week ago? Two days ago? Same! I get it: You were in a hurry, keys are hard to see, you did too many drugs too many weekends in a row and maybe those brain cells were important after all (jury's still out of that one, but fine.)
It truly sucks, but since lemons have been inexplicably trending for the past two years, I’ve decided to make metaphorical lemonade whenever something unfortunate/entirely my fault occurs, and by jove I’ve found the secret ingredient for this particular batch of crisis — and it’s a heaping serving of s t a i r s.
Bless the slew of Instathots haunting my Explore feed that have opened my eyes to the beauty of boring-ass stairs. Not opulent Titanic stairs atop which you hallucinate your super dead boyfriend who's rotting at the bottom of the Atlantic — I’m talking dirty stoop steps that have been grazed by random asses and dirty hallway stairs you may get murdered on. These are currently the preferred backdrop for plandids, outfit squats, and thirst traps alike. The Renaissance had fat, naked babies with wings; we have motherfucking STEPS.
So, instead of hauling ass to Starbucks while you wait for your GBF to let you in with your spare keys, I suggest using your newly-found free time in front of your apartment to capture the perfect stair stance for The Gram. Here, a beginners’ guide to poses for the uninitiated:
1. When you’re locked out and really have to pee
2. When you’re locked out and really have to poop
3. When you’re locked out but still want to patrol for some D
Boost that booty with a step!
4. When you’re locked out but secretly ok with it because you need more people to see your outfit today, tbh
5. When you’re locked out and need to air out your vagina (I mean, it's summer)
6. When you’re locked out and realize you never gave a spare to anyone because you hate everyone and you’re also almost certainly dead inside
Glossy suit kinda Sunday💖 (had the blazer closed for the baptism ceremony – but left it open for the party). Wearing @skazioficial ———— Domingo com terninho deuso, em paetê – de @skazioficial 💖 (hoje foi batizado da minha afilhada Lyana – na igreja usei o blazer fechado, que também ficou lindo e sofisticado com a pantalona)! Gostam? #ootd #lookdodia
Do my eyes look vacant in a fashion way or in a I've-never-truly-made-a-meaningful-connection-with-another-human way?
7. When you’re locked out, make it into the building by following someone inside, but realize you still can’t get into your actual unit because your roommate decided to have a social life this one time
8. When you’re in the same exact scenario as above but also wearing a dress with a dramatic slit
9. When you’re locked out of the pool house you happen to live in
Ryan Atwood is shaking!
10. When you forget your fucking sunglasses inside said pool house like a newb
It is time to rise up against The Blue Eyes
Join me, my brothers and sisters
by Amanda Ross
This is not a rant about Eurocentric beauty standards. It's not taking a stand against a particular facial ideal or pushing back against unrealistic expectations. This story is, like all things in this world, about me. ;-)Ask any person with light eyes what color they are. No, physically stand up and ask someone around you.…
But when will we get Tesla thongs?
Give it to us, bitch @elonmusk
by Amanda Ross
When he's not busy crying about how billionaire is a slur, bedding Grimes, or looking like Dwight Schrute when he cut the face off a CPR dummy and placed it over his own, Elon Musk is innovating. He's building cars no one drives, coming up with elaborate schemes to rescue exactly zero (0) Thai soccer…
Flat Tummy isn’t the worst for pushing diet products — it’s the worst for being so good at it
How the brand is making dieting trendy
by Veronica Walsingham
Diet brand Flat Tummy has always attracted the ire of the Internet, but backlash reached fever pitch this summer when the company unveiled a massive billboard in Times Square. And for good reason: The billboard in question is part of a new ad campaign for appetite suppressant lollipops, roundly criticized for using reality and YouTube…