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Ladies of the world, I’ve found the ultimate daddy, and his name is Gareth Southgate
Americans, let me teach you
In the post #MeToo era, where our favourite celebrities have been outed as actually, terrible people, and our favourite teenage heartthrobs have descended into hobo-looking weirdos with white people dreads, it’s hard to find an icon of positive masculinity. Where, the women (and men) of the world, are asking, where is the man who will be wholesome yet dangerous, well dressed and attractive, positive and wise? Where is the man who is a beacon of morality but who I also want to fuck? Where is daddy?
Well I have found him, and he is England manager Gareth Southgate.
If you’re American you may have been wonderings about the usually moan-y, pasty British and the fact that they keep telling you it’s coming home. When they say “it’s coming home” what they mean is the football (OK, soccer) and the man who is the keeper of the football, the football daddy, who managed to get England into the semi-finals of the World Cup is Gareth Southgate.
He’s captured the attention of a nation and made them believe in themselves, and he’s done it while looking like an absolute snack in a royal blue waistcoat.
Sharply dressed and passionate, Gareth Southgate has become more than just your typical sports figure. He’s humble. When the Wall Street Journal declared his iconic waistcoat “England’s hottest fashion item”, albeit pointing out that he didn’t have “Hollywood good looks” (r u d e), Daddy Southgate told the World Cup Daily podcast: “I’m slightly concerned. As a centre-half who took a lot of knocks to the head, I’m not normally synonymous with fashion icon.”
Look, let’s be honest. I don’t know what a centre half is. I don’t even know anything about football. I’m not even English. But you don’t have to be to see that the man has displayed more humility when talking about his fashion — and getting England to the semi-finals for the first time in 28 years — than your MCM displays when talking about his podcast (biweekly, 17 listeners). A humble legend! We stan!
At 47, our unassuming zaddy has aged like a fine wine. It’s hard to believe that in the 90s Papa Gareth used to look like this:
No waistcoat, no swagger, no class. It probably didn’t help that in the 90s, he was a national disaster. Poor Gary missed a penalty and sent England out of the Euro 96 competition (please be aware of how much I have researched football lore for this article), thus rendering himself a national disgrace. He could have given up, but did he? No! Daddy S came back better than ever. He grew! And he came back better than ever! This is what men should aspire to!
In all seriousness, if you’re perplexed by the bald guys in white and red shouting that “it’s coming home” and throwing beer, or if you’re just sick of the whole sports competition now, focus in on the one good, pure aspect of the World Cup: Daddy Gareth Southgate.
He could come in anyone’s home.