‘That was incredible’ and 19 other lies girls tell after sex
When you’re bored and horny, you just gotta
by Ari Bines
If you're curious to know when my last orgasm occurred, I can't say I'd have the answer for you. Despite it being "big boy season" I ain't seen an actual big boy outside of the dick pics sitting in my inbox. In the spirit of being lied to about summer being a free-for-all for smashing, here's all the lies girls tell guys right after boinking.
'I don't have a lot of experience'
Bitch, please! You and I both know you've been racking up more sausage than Oscar Mayer, and that says a lot.
'You don't have to put your clothes back on'
I meaaaan…I'd prefer that you at least put some briefs on to separate your dick sweat from my duvet, but they'll feel insecure. So instead of dealing with his emotions, you lie.
‘Don’t get me wrong, it was good’
It wasn’t at all good, and you’re playing yourself right now.
'I need to feel romantic to enjoy sex'
If you do in fact decide on admitting that his meat injection wasn't up to your standards, this is one of my go-to excuses when he asks why you thought the rump was less than mediocre.
'You should stay the night'
Of course you don't actually want them to keep the remnants of their swamp ass in your bed. However, you make the offer so they'll respond with "I have work tommorrow" or "I really can't stay late." It's all part of the game.
'Don't shower, just lay with me'
If a guy who's just blown out your back is someone who you'd like to fuck again when you're bored, they need to feel needed somehow. So we ask them to lay with us instead of kicking them to the curb.
‘You’re so hot when you orgasm’
When in reality, his expression is that of someone either getting their dick bitten off or they're playing an aggressive game of Black Ops.
‘I’ve never had sex like that before’
Also untrue, but is any sex ever the same? Each time is a different level of weak dick and slow speed.
'You're bigger than I thought'
Although not necessary to state out of the blue, his ego will be thrilled and that'll be the analysis he'll prod you with.
'Don't worry, I'm on birth control'
Soooo, you may have forgotten to pop that blue pill earlier that morning, but you reassured him that his pullout game is on point.
'I came so hard'
Even though you're dryer than the Saharan dessert, you just say what you need to so they can pack their shit and you can finish what he started by your own damn self.
'I could've sworn my period ended yesterday'
And yet you knew there was a chance bloody waters could make an appearance if the hole is being plunged, sis.
'I think I have something that day'
If they try to make plans to give you some saggy dong again, run like the police are after you. Run like Usain Bolt.
‘It didn’t taste that bad’
In hopes that you will never have to get on all fours with him ever again, you lie after his jizz tasted like vegan tres lece.
'I never tried that before'
I'm probably a bad feminist knowing I've tried nearly every painful sex position in the book of sex positions and then lied to a man's face about it to feed his ego. However, I can't help but watch faces ease, totally convinced I'm not a slut. Joke's on him, though.
'I promise things won't be weird'
It's already weird.
'I can't believe you lasted so long'
If you call 15 minutes of jack hammering your dick in me an extensive amount of time, then sure.
‘I usually NEVER do this’
First date sex? Oh yes you have, hun. More than likely it was last week with the guy you were snorting flour with.
‘No one’s ever used their tongue like that’
Someone surely has and they did a way better job than the gullible loser standing with a prideful grin on his face.
'Yeah I showered before'
In actuality, you just came from a day of shopping, jogging and proceeded to spray some KKW body on dem titties. So what? Fight me.
Related stories recommended by this writer: