A guide to video chat sex for all you long-distance non-cheaters out there
Step 1: Make sure your internet works
by Ari Bines
For suckers who choose to remain faithful despite being hundreds of miles away from their significant bae, you'll undoubtedly use Skype/FaceTime sex to keep the relationship hot. Late, lonely nights will come along while Soulja Boy Tell'em's Kiss Me Thru the Phone plays in the background, and you become unbearably horny.
Because I'm committed to helping you out (I'm so selfless!) here's your guide to flawless video chat sex.
Let your roommates know you 'need the room'
Typically, when you're in college (or just broke, no judgement), there's someone else who has a key to your living space. Skip the doorknob sock and be straight with them. You're planning on jerking off on camera for your manz. I guarantee no questions asked after sharing that bit of news.
Dirty talk is your friend
When my ex and I did long distance, Skype sex was the only thing keeping me interested at that point in the relationship. The downside was he was the least imaginative person I'd ever met, and didn't have a clue how to talk dirty — seriously, he made GameBoy Mario references to try and get me drippin'.
For the love of god, please don't look at your own face
We're easily turned off by the slightest gestures, it's just human nature. And because your partner isn't physically present, (and you have to do most of the work anyway) we're even more critical.
Not only will the site of you staring into your own eyes be a total turnoff for them, but you've also got to watch out for The Feeling. You know The Feeling when you suddenly have an out-of-body understanding like oh, what I'm doing right now is weird? Nothing makes it come on stronger than catching your own eye on camera while touching yourself. As a suggestion, keep your phone's portrait orientation off and tilt that bitch sideways to cut off your head entirely.
Yes, you both still have to remove all your clothes
Just because your sex slave isn't physically there stuffing your envelope doesn't mean you can cut corners, hoe!
If you really want to make it hot, do a lil dance for them. Learn your angles and know the amount of distance you need to have from your phone to be visible to them. Nothing kills a boner more than you dropping the camera mid-stroke.
Utilize the selfie stick, dammit
I honestly don't know how anyone can have sex over Skype and be a camera man at the same time unless you're putting your selfie cam up in the coochie. After a few minutes of playing contortionist to take bent over ass pics, your arms get weak using your biceps as a tripod. So please, invest in a selfie stick to make the workout a little easier on you.
If your internet connection is weak, end the call immediately
Don't waste time letting them know through the "poor connection" notification. Just hit the end call button because by that time with grainy pink dick (or black dick if you roll with us like that) on your phone, chances are your pussy is already dead inside.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
Your #MCM has nothing on this big-dicked zoo animal
Time to dump your boyfriend for a tapir
by Nian Hu
Look, we all know that men can be unbelievably frustrating. Sure, they can be cute sometimes. But they barrage us with thirsty DMs and unsolicited dick pics, they ghost us after one date, and they use the same body wash to clean their hair and their nutsack. Hard pass. And even when we do end…
Did 3OH!3 predict hoeism’s meteoric rise?
It was definitely ahead of its time
by Amanda Ross
Allow me to paint a picture for you: it's the summer of 2008, the sun is beating down on the ginormous parking lot in which Warped Tour is held. A massive crowd of sweating teenagers in ass-cheek-revealing shorts from Ruehl (OMG remember Ruehl? That's a story for another time…) gathers in front of a main…
Should I go to Costa Rica with this wealthy older man I just met?
Or is it the plot of Taken 4!
by Harry Shukman
Imagine a mysterious and rich man met you in the park – the park! – asked you out, paid for your drinks, gave you gift cards, offered you dental surgery, and then asked to take you away to Costa Rica. Should you go? That's what one girl is asking in a relationship advice post that has to…