If he bleaches his hair, you know he’s really going through it
‘Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain’t calling’
by Ari Bines
Ok, maybe this is just based on my limited experience and-slash-or stereotypes from big-studio rom-coms, but when women are are having a rough go of it victimized, we usually do three things: pile ice cream atop a personal pizza (by which I mean a large pizza), shop until we've maxed out our credit cards, and then pull ourselves up by our high-heeled bootstraps and get our mojo back — usually in the form of a sassy montage set to a soundtrack of an optimistic, up-beat pop song.
I mean, look at two-hit-wonder G-Eazy
After being not-so-subtly accused of cheating on three-hit-wonder Halsey, (a mere two weeks ago, btw) Gerald Eazy suddenly debuted some shocking bleach blond spikes.
I'm no fan of G-Eazy, but it's clear he's not taking this breakup well. But considering the two produced a song together about their undying love, I can't believe he hasn't committed a worse crime than this.
More than anyone else on this list, Pete Davidson's problems aren't his fault — he's really just got the short end of the stick a lot in life. His father died on 9/11 and he's been diagnosed with both borderline personality disorder and Chron's Disease. It trumps anyone else's trying time on this list, and it fucking suuucks. He deserves some sunshine! But in the form of platinum blonde hair?!
Pete claims it's "for" a "role", but how many times are we going to hear that from an actor who makes a silly appearance-related decision. Like, he's Pete Davidson — his whole job is playing a millennial stereotype on SNL. For a role, smh. Daniel Day Lewis this dude is not, you know?
I'm convinced Pete may have pre-wedding jitters. Sure, it's a perfectly normal emotion, but who wouldn't be stressed when you're carrying baggage like that into a marriage after dating for basically 29 days.
If we look at the track record of other rushed marriages, say, Khloe Kardashian who married Lamar after, what, a week? I'd say things don't look too good. Pete, you know you don't have to marry everyone you like, right?
We've actually watched the spiraling of Justin Bieber practically in real time. The Biebs started sporting bleach blond hair soon after his umpteenth breakup with Selena Gomez. She even publicly called him out in his comments, shading him once he started receiving hate comments about then-girlfriend Sofia Richie. Also, having your little brother attend the Grammys as your date kind of speaks volumes as to where your emotional stability is at. Bleach away Biebs, because these were clearly tough times for you.
Days after Zayn broke up with Gigi back in March, he was spotted on set of a new music video looking like someone stuck gay icon Count Olaf in the microwave. As someone who hardly ever smiles for the camera and embraces being the brooding ~bad boy in pop~, I can imagine why Zayn would bleach his own scalp — and it's not because he's stable.
help why is zayn malik’s bleached beard so funny? pic.twitter.com/ky5vi2We6o
— stef schwartz (@stefschwartz) March 22, 2018
Ultimately, if you see your ex sporting Slim Shady locks, he's probably dying inside without you or he's seriously ridden with a helluva lot of guilt. You also know you definitely better off without him.
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