IRL • Jul 26 2018

Can you spooky bitches settle down?

It’s literally still July

I'm Not Like Other Girls Season has arrived early — by about 2.5 months to be exact. Every fall, white girls the internet over c ompete over who can be the spookiest…or who can like being spooky the most, anyway. And maybe I'm hypocritical because I too enjoy dripping entrails in an Eli Roth movie and the Marilyn Manson version of This Is Halloween (my emo phase is just beginning, unfortunately for us all). But yesterday I actually read a Twitter bio about shoving how a girl was so excited for October, she wanted to "shove a pumpkin up her ass."

And I'm sickened! It's July, y'all. Yes, it's so muggy in what seems like every corner of the world that we all feel like we're trapped in a Ziploc bag that's just been farted into and sealed back up. Yes, this was yet another year in which my summer body was not ready. Yes, my jeans have melted into my sweaty knee backs as a write this. But someone needs to take a stand against you people. Spooky bitches, settle down. Your time will come.

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