When he's not busy crying about how billionaire is a slur, bedding Grimes, or looking like Dwight Schrute when he cut the face off a CPR dummy and placed it over his own, Elon Musk is innovating. He's building cars no one drives, coming up with elaborate schemes to rescue exactly zero (0) Thai soccer players, and conceiving Tesla merch so extensive, they might as well sell it at Hot Topic.
Over the weekend, Elon tweeted this flash of brilliance, his eureka moment:
Let me tell you, dear readers, I love this idea. I envision Soffee shorts rolled twice — no, three times! — with T E S L A written on the ass like our beloved terrycloth Juicy Couture shorts of yesteryear. Elon Musk might be a complete fuckhead (that's a medial term, y'all), but I can learn to love him if I can picture him like the t-shirt chair of my old sorority, overworked, always stressed out, and producing deliciously slutty merch in Comfort Colors for the underfed blonde masses.
But why stop at shorts? I know he's got a few more non-space ideas rattling around in that delightfully oversized noggin. Because I am incredibly generous with my time and talents, I'm pleased to present my idea for Tesla merch: thongs! Think about it. Thongs are cheap to mass-produce, they're something we all need to wear (my treatise on male and baby thongs coming soon to babe dot net), and Tesla could pump out endless cheeky slogans to splay across the front. They could even rip a page out of Barstool's book and do a Tesla Smoke of the Week featuring hot nerds modeling the merch.
Is my idea better than anything that hair piece-wearing space hamster ever came up with? Obviously. Now cut me my check, Musk, the offer won't last long.