Let’s talk about my weirdest obsession: The Purge and who would survive it
Knowing who would live is my greatest gift
You know that John Waters quote emblazoned on weed-rank tote bags carried by NYU kids all over town? It’s like, “If you go home with someone and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them?” (Awful advice btw illiteracy is the wave for 2018, trust me).
My version of that is The Purge. You know, that amazingly terrible horror film franchise about a dystopian national holiday on which all crime is legal? If someone thinks they’re too good to like The Purge movies, to spend hours dissecting it and talking about the assorted ways we would crime/die, then I’m ghosting. Oh my god, The Purge! I’m obsessed! And not in please-let-crime-be-legal-so-I-can-to-drive-a-truck-through-a-McDonalds-and-steal-their-goods-like-a-sexy-female-Hamburglar way! And while there’s much to think about in terms of the premise and the themes on big government and the war on the poor and mistreatment of minorities, there’s also a lot to think about The Purge And You.
Would you survive The Purge? Would you participate? What crime(s) would you do? I conducted a straw poll of everyone in the newsroom at the moment I shouted HEY Y’ALL WOULD YOU SURVIVE THE PURGE? These are there stories:
Harry Shukman, 26
WHAT HE THINKS: If in The Purge you steal your neighbor’s car which you took because it’s better than your own car, and the next day comes, is it still legit to keep it after The Purge? Surely it’s a crime then? Could be worth it but the you’d guarantee that your neighbor would purge you the following year out of spite, and all you did was steal a car instead of do a murder in the purge? I would survive purge this year, then be easily murdered in the subsequent purge by a vengeful neighbor.
WHAT I THINK: Far too polite to steal a car. Might hide under one to ride out the night, though.
VERDICT: Harry will survive The Purge.
Nia Johnson, 23
WHAT SHE THINKS: I would most definitely not survive The Purge. I already have exes out here trying to kill me so this would be their moment to shine.
WHAT I THINK: Nia’s a dancer (athletic) and sometimes appears next to me so quietly, I’m sure she’s levitated (stealthy).
VERDICT: Nia will survive The Purge.
Caroline Phinney, 24
WHAT SHE THINKS: No, I am way too emotional for The Purge! I know I would end up missing the people who died before me too much. So I actually think I would die over that before I died of anything else.
WHAT I THINK: Caroline would lose her keys, locking her out on Purge Night. She’d be taken by a band of rogue Purgers, but manage to sweet talk her way on the team. Would die an honorable death at the hands of enemy gang snipers.
VERDICT: Caroline will not survive The Purge.
Nian Hu, 21
WHAT SHE THINKS: I would commit exactly zero crimes because I would be in hiding. I’d would flee the country and hide in a remote mountain village until The Purge is over.
WHAT I THINK: Nian is the only one who presented a sensible plan (she went to Harvard, duh).
VERDICT: Nian will survive The Purge
Josh Kaplan, 24
WHAT HE THINKS: I would survive the purge purely based on my sneakiness. I would hide for 90 percent of Purge Night, in plain site with an advantageous sniping position overlooking a main highway. Camping out in a water tower, I would watch as unsuspecting criminals pass by without realizing that I see their every move like a proud eagle scoping out its prey. I would reluctantly commit murder if I had to, and feel no remorse. I would also maybe loot a Best Buy, and have an impressive wingspan that helps in fights.
WHAT I THINK: Josh would die within moments. He would try to turn his pistol to the side like in the movies, it would jam, and he would be absolutely lit up.
VERDICT: Josh will not survive The Purge.
Eleni Mitzali, 25
WHAT SHE THINKS: So this is how I imagine it would go: I’d start by not participating because I don’t think I have a chance and fear death. But then someone close to me will end up getting killed and to get my revenge I go all out and kill that person and then because I found murder fun, I’d kill all my enemies…maybe go further. But OF COURSE I would survive.
WHAT I THINK: Eleni would survive until the final 5 minutes of The Purge…then she notices the blood splattered on her is kind of chic. She pulls out her phone to take a #murder selfie and is sniped from above. She dies with just moments to spare.
VERDICT: Eleni will not survive The Purge.
Becky Nasibi, 21
WHAT SHE THINKS: I definitely would die, I’m way too unathletic to avoid getting killed and I freak out even when there is no imminent threat.
WHAT I THINK: Confirmed. Becky would die instantly, and possibly by accident.
VERDICT: Becky will not survive The Purge.
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