Are you rich, caucasian, and stricken with jaundice? Then does Yves Saint Laurent has the foundation for you!

Ladies and gentlegays of the jury, it brings me no pleasure at all to gather you here today. Over there, you'll find the accused. YSL Beauty, charged with the most heinous crime a makeup line could commit: creating horrific, one-shade foundation you could use for spackling holes in a nursing home dining room. Premeditated, natch. The sentence? Death by Twitter roasting, and this very overcooked introduction. Take that!

No but seriously, listen to this shit! Yves Saint Laurent's beauty division (oh sorry, it's actually beauté) recently debuted a new line of twist-stick waterproof foundations meant to last through dinner, dancing, consensually degrading sex, and a six-month tour of duty in Afghanistan. And that's great. That's really considering the needs of a modern woman! Until you look at the actual product and the shades it comes in:

Yes, the far right are the deepest shades in the range. Yes, that arm looks like mine when I get the Level 2 airbrush tan at Sugared + Bronzed. Which is to say it looks SUPER FUCKING WHITE. And that's really bad! I mean, we all watched the Fenty Effect in real time — dark complexioned women not only exist but also y'know, want to buy makeup. But if YSL Beauty, owned by L'Oreal, doesn't want to make money then whatever! It's not like their share prices have taken a complete nosedive lately or anything.

It wasn't enough for YSL to make 600 shades of Let Me Speak To Your Manager, though. None of colors look quite right to my well-trained white eye. All these shades of white and…I don't think a single one would match me, a neutral-toned, light-skinned person? Look at this swatch:

You're telling me you made all but five shades pale as hell and they all look like colors you'd put on a corpse to make then suitable for a wake? It looks like a line of Peeps at Easter! Like the dated, chalky pancake makeup you'd find in your grandma's dresser. Remember when you were little and your mom's makeup had that…smell? I can smell it just looking at that picture. And the texture! I can see every pore in that girl's arm; if I tried to put it on my face, I'd look like the surface of the fucking moon.

But most offensive of all? They want $50 for an inch of product. $50 to look like a mannequin come to life! $50 to look like Guy Fawkes if he had a mysterious degenerative illness! How about YSL gives me $50, I'll dip my face in a bowl of pancake batter, and we'll call it even?