My face in profile? I don’t know her!
We only acknowledge straight-on with a tilt
by Amanda Ross
On any given day, I know my angles. Straight-forward? A cute gal! Cheeky over the shoulder? She's sassy! Profile? Officer, I have never met this woman in my life.
For years, I thought Ariana Grande understood me and the struggle against the side of our faces — remember how she only wanted to be photographed from the left side? But then we got promo shots for her new album that featured a profile so symmetrical and chiseled, it might as well be carved from marble. So fuck me I guess, Ari! I guess I have…how you say?…a witch nose. There's a lil bump in the bridge and while it doesn't really impact my day-to-day life, accidentally seeing it from the side is like shocking me with a fucking taser! How can I look that different from the side?! I actually don't know her.
Of course, I'm not okay with just accepting that half of my face looks like a multi-celled aqua-organism found in the Marianas Trench. Surely I and my several good angles/corresponding personalities aren't to blame for the sea-witch afixed to our profile (is it weird I'm writing this like Smeagol? Because tbh there are some points he has made….) I did a little internet exploring and discovered why I'm such an ugly bitch sometimes! According to Gizmodo, it all pretty much boils down to us never being able to actually see our side profile directly with our own eyes. Does that make sense? So like, we have to either be looking in a mirror with our peripheral vision or at a photo to see our profile. And in the immortal words of Jaden Smith:
But, like Smeagol, there are some points he has made! Your Mirror Self is the opposite of what other people see, and camera lenses really can make micro-adjustments to your features. You hear that, my fellow uglies? It's not us. :,) Continue avoiding your side profile like high school classmates at the grocery store and keep on living your best-angled life.