fads • Aug 28 2018

Did you really think Warren Buffett was tweeting inspirational advice for teens?

Smart grind always pays off

Warren Buffett, the billionare investor with a face like a dangly ballsack, is not dispensing advice for locals. And yet, people being people, they have fallen for a fake Warren Buffett account that tweets vanilla platitudes meant to inspire the extremely basic:

Here's what's cool:

1 saying 'thank you'
2 apologizing when wrong
3 showing up on time
4 being nice to strangers
5 listening without interrupting
6 admitting you were wrong
7 following your dreams
8 being a mentor
9 learning and using people's names
10 holding doors open

— Warren Buffet (@warrenbuffet99) August 26, 2018

Healthy List:

1 remove clutter
2 spend time w/ people smarter than you
3 wake up early/waste less time
4 listen better/pay attention
5 less sugar & meat
6 seek feedback from mentors
7 focus more
8 give some charity today
9 less time on mindless chatter
10 exercise/eat healthy

— Warren Buffet (@warrenbuffet99) August 28, 2018

Unless you're a total dunce and didn't spot that Warren Buffett has a real and verified account or that Warren Buffett's fake account misspelled his own name – HOW could you have thought that an 87-year-old business mogul would tweet that holding DOORS open was cool? (Also aren't apologizing when you were wrong and admitting when you were wrong the same thing?)

Why would Warren Buffett, the third wealthiest man in the world, give a shit that you might be overeating or don't drink enough water or have too much clutter in your dorm room? Do you think Warren Buffett wants you to "smile, right now"?

Do you think Warren Buffett, a man who was born in the Year of Our Lord 1930, really likes to say "smart grind always pays off"?

You will not regret

1 Spending quality time with loved ones
2 Following your dreams
3 Choosing work that brings you joy
4 Investing in your wellbeing

You will regret

1 Worrying about things that don't matter
2 Stressing over a job
3 Overeating
4 Staying around the wrong people

— Warren Buffet (@warrenbuffet99) August 26, 2018

A Healthy List:

1 Wake up and smile
2 Meditate / Pray
3 Drink more water
4 Eat less sugar
5 Clean your living space
6 Read and write more
7 Remove clutter
8 Don't respond to nonsense
9 Spend quality time with family
10 Show gratitude
11 Forgive first
12 Exercise

— Warren Buffet (@warrenbuffet99) August 26, 2018

10 success tips:

1 Stop talking so much.
2 Read more.
3 Patience is a virtue.
4 Smart grind always pays off.
5 Eat healthy, do cardio.
6 Stay away from toxic people.
7 Giving is better than receiving.
8 Clean up your room.
9 Keep your day organized.
10 Don't waste time or money.

— Warren Buffet (@warrenbuffet99) August 27, 2018

Slightly off topic, but isn't it such a local concern that you might be associating with "the wrong people"? Not actually committing crimes with the wrong people, or bullying orphans with the wrong people, or even, I don't know, running red lights with the wrong people, but just associating with them.

The most expensive thing you will ever do is spend time with the wrong people.

— Warren Buffet (@warrenbuffet99) August 28, 2018

This unique brand of sincere advice is being eaten up by every moron on Twitter – "truth!!" says one fan, "#MotivationMonday" agrees another, and my favorite: "It's really that simple, but some of y'all don't even try."

The real Warren Buffett is not a student athlete. He does not have a metal engraving of John 3:16 on his wall. He does not have a boyfriend called Hunter and he does not plan to name his child Kayleigh. Fuck knows what Warren Buffett is really doing, other than having billions of dollars and a scrotum on his neck, but it's not be the superstar of local Twitter!

Still, what's he going to tweet next?

Enough imagining dead celebrities in Heaven, I’m begging you

First of all, John McCain is in hell

by Amanda Ross

Death is awful, and I can't blame anyone for struggling to make sense of it. That's where the idea of an afterlife came from, right? Refusal to accept the nothingness waiting for us the moment our pulse stops? If it makes you feel better to imagine your grandma reclining on a cloud while the world…

This is how you can hide your Instagram pics without losing likes

If you’re trying to be scandalous

by Ari Bines

For those of you who are deluded into thinking you're Instagram famous with those 2,000 followers, this one's for you. While it's easier to delete Instagram pics from your grid, you may want to keep those sexy photos in an Instagram folder for a later time. Here's how to hide use your Instagram archive to…

Here’s a handy little guide on how to come up with your finsta name

How to handle your handle, if you will

by Una Dabiero

If you've even breathed in the direction of Instagram in the last year or so, you know what a finsta is — a fake Instagram account where your dumbass friends share their drunk snaps, their speeding tickets, and embarrassing nudes they'd never want anyone IRL to see. If you clicked on this lil link, you've…