Celebrity men are scamming an entire generation into thinking they don’t have to shower
Trickle-down stinkonomics :(
Look, we're all pretty well-versed in celebrity culture and how all-consuming it is. Meghan Markle wears a dress and it sells out in seconds, thousands of people stuck jade eggs up their goonholes just because Gwyneth Paltrow told them it was cool, and a VIP 6-month-old baby is apparently solely responsible for her dad's album going number one. I mean, I found out John McCain was dead via TMZ. There's no escaping our worship of celebrities, and it's useless to try.
Or at least that's what I used to think. But now, when faced with a trend so egregious, we've got to try to fight back. Otherwise, I worry this might the end of life as we know it. A new wave of ultra-famous men have managed to convince an entire generation of guys that not showering is the coolest aesthetic of all. Like everything else in the world, this falls to women to fix.
CASE STUDY: JUSTIN BIEBER
The decline of Justin Bieber from fresh-faced tween to the wispy-mustached greaselord he is…unfortunate. It's unclear what triggered this downward spiral, which occurred sometime after yelling fuck Bill Clinton! and before his puzzling engagement to his cleaner-looking twin, isn't just dangerous for inspiring men to be dirty. No, it's particularly sinister because of the message it sends to impressionable teen girls. Look at Justin, they'll think. He's considered a heartthrob, one of the hottest men alive. And he looks like a musty carseat! Then said teen will think about Hailey Baldwin. She's exceptionally beautiful, surely hotter than me and you and our teen in question. If someone so perfect (by god or by scalpel, it all comes out in the wash!) is with a man who considers a wrinkled Hawaiian shirt acceptable for black tie-optional settings, what kind of man does a less-than-perfect person end up with?
CASE STUDY: PETE DAVIDSON
Here's the thing about Pete: I do think he showers every day in the $16 million mansion Ariana Grande lets him live in. I think he smells fantastic as he fills the $16 million mansion Ariana Grande lets him live in with food! But he's leaned into this weird dirtboi image along with his peers. His hair is dyed Slim Shady yellow (for a "role" lmao sure) and he leaves it all piece-y. He's a known owner of butthole eyes which, for the record, is not Crohn's Disease. And he insists on wearing wifebeaters and ginormous sweatshirts of dubious origin to awards shows. Even we count Pete among our showered ranks, his perpetuation of the #dirtboi lifestyle is unforgivable.
CASE STUDY: POST MALONE
We've arrived at the godfather of dirtbois. Everyone's already made joke about his alleged stank, so I won't go there. What I really want to highlight on his obsession with trying to look at unkempt as possible with a series of ill-advised tattoos and tooth add-ons because that's the root of this entire issue. It doesn't matter if a celebrity actually showers or not — by trying to look as stinky as possible with expensive hair paste and the bruised visage of a crackhead, guys everywhere who look up to them will try to copy the stank artifice. Except without stylists and artfully-applied goo, they will do it by, y'know, actually stinking. And who's left to deal with the fallout? Us! We already have to worry about meticulously grooming ourselves to get by in society, and now we have to worry about trying to discreetly Febreeze a hookup's pits because he's working the whole Post-on-a-Coors-Lite-bender look.
To the straight girls reading this: Stoping giving blowjobs to guys who look like they only brush their teeth in the morning. It's called supply and demand, girls! If there's no demand for the stank, they will have no choice but to take back the "but there's aluminum in deodorant!" protests and swab it on anyway. Together, we can reclaim this narrative. United, we can stop the stink.
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