The countdown to your current iPhone completely falling apart has begun
Time to drop $1,000 on a new phone, I guess
by Nian Hu
It's been barely a year since the obnoxious-looking "wait, where did the home button go?" iPhone X was released, and there are already a fresh new batch of iPhones for us crazed consumers to buy. God, what number are we on anyway? I still remember when my iPhone 8 Plus was the hot new thing and I felt super hip and trendy for having it.
Now apparently we're on the iPhone XS. Rumor has it that it's supposed to be pronounced like "tennis," which is already pretty ridiculous, but my stupid brain can't help but read it as "excess," which is even worse and perhaps a hidden message about the excess of corporate greed and how Apple is literally sucking all of us dry.
And as the names have gotten more outrageous, so too have the prices. The iPhone XS is literally a thousand dollars, and its big boi cousin the iPhone XS (an impressive 6.5 inch-long gadget that is sure to make your boyfriend feel irrationally angry and insecure) starts at $1,100. Does anyone else remember the good ol' days when phones DIDN'T cost as much as a goddamn refrigerator?? For fuck's sake, Dell sells literal LAPTOPS for half the price of Apple's shiny phones.
But of course, despite the stupidly expensive sticker price, people are still going to sell the soul of their first-born child to get their hands on one of these bad boys. It is simply impossible to resist the siren's call of Apple products. Just look at that glossy full-screen display. And those COLORS. Shit, is it wrong to be sexually attracted to the gold iPhone XS Max?
Also we're basically forced to buy these fuckers because our current phones are going to stop working any second now. Yes, that's right! Apple has even CONFIRMED that they intentionally slow down our phones so we get suckered into dropping a grand on their latest shiny toy.
Seriously? Fuck you. And the worst part is that, despite knowing that this is all a capitalist scam to take away my hard-earned money, I'm probably STILL going to end up buying one of these. Because what's the alternative? Get an ANDROID? Over my dead body.
The secret to perfect skin that never ages: Minding your own damn business
Consider this your reward for not being racist!
by Nian Hu
You've probably heard this before: black don't crack, Asian don't raisin, brown don't frown. And it's true! Just look at Pharrell. That man has literally looked like a college freshman for the past 10 years. Thanks to the power of melanin, people of color tend to age remarkably well.White people, however, aren't usually so lucky…
Watch this bloodthirsty grandma shoot the fuck out of a 500lb gator because it ate her pet horse
by Josh Kaplan
What do you think your grandmother is doing right now? For those of you lucky enough to answer anything other than "turning in her grave, ashamed of the useless offspring she accidentally created", your grandma is probably doing something wholesome. Maybe baking a nice pumpkin pie (the first of the season), or thinking about what…
If your man yells at his Alexa, you need to dump him ASAP
Don’t you dare disrespect Alexa!
by Nian Hu
I'm sure you're familiar with that old adage that goes a little something like, "how a guy treats his mom says everything about how he'll treat you." And it's solid advice, except none of us have the time to meet the mothers of every single one of our 37 Hinge matches. Shit, I barely have…