Back off, thirsties! Justin Bieber is now a MARRIED man

You hear that? Listen closely. Yes, it's the sound of all your 15-year-old dreams being crushed because Justin Bieber is officially off the market. That's right, everyone's favorite baby-faced bad boy who inexplicably sports a Pablo Escobar mustache is now married to the love of his life (no, not Selena Gomez), Hailey Baldwin!

A mere two months after they broke the Internet with their surprise engagement, the two identical-looking greasy-haired blondes have decided to cut to the chase and just get hitched already. PEOPLE reported that they got legally married on Thursday at a courthouse in New York.

Two months is an awfully short engagement, but I can't say I'm terribly surprised. Considering they're both born-again Christians who are really, really into the whole church thing, it doesn't seem too far-fetched that they're saving sex for marriage.

And that explains EVERYTHING. They're probably dying to bone each other! I mean, most of us can't even wait for the second date before having sex — imagine waiting two whole months. I would literally lose my mind.

Let's take a moment to appreciate how far Justin has come.

First, he was a wholesome, high-pitched young boy with a swoopy haircut that ensnared the hearts of 13-year-old girls worldwide. Next, he went through puberty and had a little "bad boy" phase where he wore leather jackets and committed minor crimes and misdemeanors around the world. And now, he has finally settled on his final form: a wholesome Christian husband who only showers twice a month.

This is the kind of epic transformation that nobody could have seen coming. Selena Gomez is probably SHAKING right now!

@nian_hu