Your #MCM has nothing on this big-dicked zoo animal
Time to dump your boyfriend for a tapir
by Nian Hu
Look, we all know that men can be unbelievably frustrating. Sure, they can be cute sometimes. But they barrage us with thirsty DMs and unsolicited dick pics, they ghost us after one date, and they use the same body wash to clean their hair and their nutsack. Hard pass.
And even when we do end up finding someone halfway decent to date, they end up disappointing us with their incredibly mediocre performances in bed. Look, if you have to ask us if we came, the answer is probably no! And if you don't believe that the clitoris exists, then you probably shouldn't be having sex at all.
Sometimes we find ourselves asking — is it all worth it? Is it worth putting up with a lifetime of faked orgasms in exchange for some love and companionship?
Unless your MCM is a member of the Tapiridae family, then no, it's not worth it. The noble tapir puts human men to shame. Listen to this: according to National Geographic, an erect tapir penis is so "large and ungainly" that male tapirs sometimes even step on their own dicks and scream in pain.
Now THAT, ladies, is what I'm talking about. Gone are the days when we have to rub our boyfriend's back and reassure him, "No, it's not that small! No, five minutes is totally normal! Oh, I definitely came!" Gone are the days when we go condom shopping with our boyfriend and have to awkwardly dissuade him from buying Magnums!
If you dare, here is a video depicting the male tapir in action. Be warned: this video might make you swear off men forever.
Watch in awe as the tapir's massive penis swings around wildly and roams around freely, seemingly with a mind of its own, with the prehensile tip outstretched and grasping in search of the holy land.
Can YOUR boyfriend's penis do that? If the answer is no, then you need to dump him immediately and visit your local zoo in search of a new man.
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