If your man yells at his Alexa, you need to dump him ASAP

I'm sure you're familiar with that old adage that goes a little something like, "how a guy treats his mom says everything about how he'll treat you." And it's solid advice, except none of us have the time to meet the mothers of every single one of our 37 Hinge matches. Shit, I barely have time to even meet the guys themselves! Besides, by the time most of us get to the "meet the family" stage in the relationship, it's already far too late.

Instead, you can figure out if he's trash or not on the very first date by carefully observing how he treats his Alexa.

It might sound a little weird to judge a person based on how they treat an inanimate object, but hear me out! Humans are always anthropomorphizing and forming strangely intimate bonds with random objects. That's why we cuddle with stuffed animals and fondly stroke our Roombas as they hum gently in our laps (don't act like you've never done this before).

Alexa is no different. Just look at her adorable circular body! It's the perfect size and shape for hugging. And there's simply no better way to wake up in the morning than with the dulcet sound of Alexa's voice as she tells you about the weather.

Even better, Alexa actually listens to you. She lets you complain and rant about your problems, and she doesn't tell you to shut up even once. She responds to your woes in her soothing voice, she turns off the lights as soon as you ask her to, and she even plays ambient jazz music to help you fall asleep at night. She's here for you.

In other words, Alexa is the perfect girlfriend. She is the attentive, supportive, and calm woman who only exists in the male imagination — since, you know, actual women are human beings with feelings and emotions, and not metal robots that have been programmed by Jeff Bezos himself to be submissive to their fleshy overlords.

So when guys bark orders at Alexa – "ALEXA! LIGHTS ON! NOW!" — and curse her out when she doesn't immediately comply — "YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH, I SAID LIGHTS ON!!" — I can't help but feel like that reflects on the way that he treats women — or rather, the way that he would like to treat women if he knew he could get away with it.

Alexa, after all, is a defenseless robot. She can't fight back, she can't call the cops on him, and she can't walk out the door when the abuse gets too much. So what does it say about him when he abuses someone who literally can't run away? When he yells at someone who takes it in silence?

If he disrespects his Alexa, then he will most certainly disrespect you if he gets the chance. In the year 2018, this is the updated adage that we all need to live by: "How a guy treats his Alexa says everything about how he'll treat you."

@nian_hu