Wanna know every graphic, upsetting detail about Donald Trump’s penis? Too bad, here it is!

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Wanna know every graphic, upsetting detail about Donald Trump’s penis? Too bad, here it is!

If I have to suffer, so do you!

I didn't believe trigger warnings belonged in journalism (in the copy, anyway) until I came across this story. Therefore, I am morally compelled to caution that what you are about to read might be upsetting for some readers, and it's not suitable for children under 13! If you're a child under 13 and reading this, first message me so I can make some calls to CPS. Then go to Neopets.com, just trust me. Anyway, here we go — the moment you've all been waiting for:

Trump has yeti pubes. At least according his former sex partner Stormi Daniels! In her upcoming book, Full Disclosure, the porn-star-turned-political-sideshow-and-kind-of-a-skinty-icon discusses her upbringing in Baton Rogue (no shade but I just knew she was from Louisiana), her career, and the sitting president's schlong.

Let's see, what else does she dish about Donald Trump's meat? It sounds bad, but not quite the cheese-scented gherkin I was expecting. Perhaps most upsettingly, Daniels informs us that his penis is shaped like Toad from Mario Kart. Of course, it's described as "smaller than average" and the sex itself was unimpressive.

Imagine THIS going inside you:

Actually, I think Toad and his Aladdin vest would treat you right.