The secret to perfect skin that never ages: Minding your own damn business

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The secret to perfect skin that never ages: Minding your own damn business

Consider this your reward for not being racist!

You've probably heard this before: black don't crack, Asian don't raisin, brown don't frown. And it's true! Just look at Pharrell. That man has literally looked like a college freshman for the past 10 years. Thanks to the power of melanin, people of color tend to age remarkably well.

White people, however, aren't usually so lucky (in this one area of life).

But don't lose hope, my dear white friends! There is now evidence that white people CAN have the opportunity to age gracefully. The only stipulation is that you remain unproblematic.

Don't believe me? Just take a look at Anne Hathaway. At 35 years old today, she looks every bit as youthful and fresh-faced as she did back in the Princess Diaries — and she was just 15 years old back then! The secret to her everlasting youth? Publicly speaking about white privilege and demanding justice for black women.

And Sandra Bullock might be 54 years old, but she honestly looks better than most people my age. Nary a wrinkle in sight, she looks like she hasn't aged since her 30s. And again, this can be chalked up to a lifetime of being unproblematic and teaching her son about racism, sexism, and homophobia. She even cried when she saw Black Panther. Oh Sandra, you pure and sweet angel.

But wait, it's not just woke white women who get the privilege of aging gracefully!

Take a look at Andy Samberg. Would you think twice if you saw someone like him walking into Advanced Ec with you on the first day of junior year? Probably not. With his rectangular hipster glasses and smooth complexion, Andy looks like the semi-dorky semi-cute RA down the hall who organizes movie nights and cracks lots of dad jokes.

Shockingly, this geeky little boy is actually a fully-fledged 40-year-old man. Who would've guessed?

And now take a gander at Paul Rudd, who looks like he's in his mid-30's but is actually almost 50 years old. With a full head of luscious locks and a glowing complexion, this man looks like he's been drinking liberally from the Fountain of Youth.

For too long, we have assumed that white people — particularly straight white men — are destined to age like milk, accumulating many wrinkles around their mouth and eyes from decades of yelling the N-word and narrowing their eyes in suspicion whenever they see a black person having a cookout in their own backyards.

But these unproblematic white celebrities have managed to evade this unfortunate fate. By simply minding their own business and not dialing 9-1-1 whenever they saw a black man in a hoodie, they have managed to lead stress-free and relaxed lives.

And in fact, it has been scientifically proven that the stress of constantly calling ICE on your Latino neighbors and tweeting hateful remarks about Serena Williams DOES have an impact on your skin, causing you to age prematurely.

For many people, it is incredibly challenging to not be racist. However, the rewards for not being problematic are clearly ENORMOUS! We strongly recommend that everyone try it out.

@nian_hu