In the magical world of Harry Potter, Asian women can be anything! As long as ‘anything’ is a snake or a sidechick, anyway
And Hagrid is a pansexual who later joined ISIS
by Nian Hu
It's been more than 10 years since the last Harry Potter book was published. But you know what's a really good way of making sure that your fans never, ever forget that you were the writer of the most popular book series of this century?
I mean, you could always just let the beloved series speak for itself and continue to enchant generations of children. OR you could continue forcing yourself into cultural relevancy by tweeting bizarre revelations about minor Harry Potter characters that a) make objectively no sense and b) nobody asked for!!
*jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
— brian feldman (@bafeldman) June 8, 2015
Unfortunately for the rest of the world, J.K. Rowling has opted for the latter route. Her latest PR stunt is perhaps the strangest so far.
Remember Nagini? Probably not, because she was just Voldemort's pet snake. You probably didn't even realize that she was female — because again, she was a goddamn snake whose only role in the entire series was to drape herself around Voldemort's body, eat a couple dead bodies, kill Snape, and get beheaded by Neville.
In a shocking turn of events that literally nobody asked for, Rowling has revealed that Nagini was a human woman this entire time. A Korean woman, in fact. Why? Just because!
The entire Internet is screaming — mostly in horror and disgust — and Rowling is, of course, incredibly pleased with herself. It's been at least a couple months since she was trending on Twitter and I'm sure she was feeling incredibly bored and neglected in her mansion, twirling an elder wand between her fingertips and softly murmuring, "Expelliarmus!" while tears ran down her cheeks.
Rowling is also trying to convince us that she knew about Nagini's secret identity as a woman of color for "around twenty years," which is not only absolute bullshit but…kind of disturbing.
Look, it's one thing to admit that this was a last-minute twist on the original story. Nothing shameful about that! It's another thing completely, however, to say that you KNEW that Nagini was a Korean woman when you wrote the following lines in your book:
"Where is Nagini?" said the cold voice.
"I — I don't know, my Lord," said the first voice nervously. "She set out to explore the house, I think…"
"You will milk her before we retire, Wormtail," said the second.
Now, how's THAT for some much-needed Asian representation? After all, you can't just have one Asian character who has literally the fakest and most racist-sounding name of all time (for all my non-Asian friends out there, an Asian character named Cho Chang is the equivalent of a white character named Smith Johnson).
No, you gotta have a second Asian woman. And this Asian woman will be a submissive slave owned by an evil white guy who…gets milked (hoping it's the snake-venom kind of milking), before she eventually gets brutally hacked to death by another white guy.
Wow, I sure love having so many amazing Asian female role models to look up to!! Anything is possible if you're an Asian woman! You can be a "Dragon Lady" who goes on a killing spree, or a "Sexy Submissive Geisha" who simply loves getting dominated by white men, or you can even be BOTH! The future has never been brighter for women of color.