Your weekly horoscope is here, and it’s aaall about intense love and sex
Blame it on Venus
Angels are singing in the distant heavens, the sun is shining, life feels worth living! Love, am I right? Hallelujah! Don't get too excited just yet, though — this week is going to be intense thanks to a Venus retrograde in Scorpio. Hold on to your hats because things are about to get wild.
Your mantra this week: “Not too deep!” Deep thoughts, deep feelings, all that fun stuff is brought to you in part by Mercury squaring Pluto at the very start of the week. I know you’re scrambling to hog-tie down your sweetie for the cold season, but ease up a bit. Stop refreshing every single one of their social media pages. Just put the god damn phone down. BREATHE. Good. Reclaim your independence ASAP before you fall into a crisis.
Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood
This week has you more sensitive than usual, which tends to bring out the stubbornness in you. Open up a bit when you feel yourself being tested. Maybe ask yourself why this makes you so uptight? Since your emotional baggage sitch is more like a U-Haul than a suitcase, you’ve got a lot of unpacking ahead of you. It’s time to handle that so you can move on and be open to new love, (without comparing every single person to your ex!!!)
Eidolon by The Seshen
This week bears Tony Robbins-level breakthroughs for you, Gemini. 100x the energy, 100x the spiritual awakening, 100x the testosterone. What to do with this strange energy? Well, it’s not really anything you have a choice with because you’re just going to end up telling it how it is. You may even make some people cry, (but don’t feel too bad about it because it’s honestly just one of those weeks for us all.) The fling that’s not satisfying you? Be straight up. You’ll only get what you want by communicating your needs.
Moonrise Kingdom by Prima
Work work work work work (Ri Ri <3) is your anthem for the week. Sorry to say it but it might feel like you’re just walking against the flow of the wave-pool for the next few days. Things just aren’t happening as easily as you’re used to, little crab. You’ll be working up an emotional sweat, but remember that trying times bring strength.
Work by Rihanna
This is the week to send out your handwritten “Do you like me? Check yes or no” notes, time’s a-tickin’, babe. Your ability to be so straightforward and confident is a huge turn on and very much appreciated by your shyer counterpart(s). (SOMEONE’S gotta say yes, right…?) Of course they will, you don’t need me to tell you that you’re slammin'. If anything, you could be a little more humble at times. Use this heightened time of communication to get to the point and get things moving in the direction you want them to.
Do U Want Me by Giraffage
The full moon may have left you feeling restrictive and a little down to be honest. You’re not feeling yourself, but it’s about damn time you put on the charm and get some credibility with that cutie you’ve been eyeing. The attention feels good and will put you right back into your normal state of confidence. If you’re already partnered (if you listen closely, you can hear the eyes rolling of a million uncuffed babes!), just enjoy the harmless external attention while it lasts!
Crossfire by Stephen
Where have you even been? Your friends are MISSING YOU! I know it’s your season and all, but don’t forget about those nearest and dearest! Think about it, who else is going to buy you rounds at the bar for your bday? Who else are you going to ask to narrow down the selfie you should post on Insta? Who else is going to tell you to calm the fuck down when that dude doesn’t text you back after only 5 minutes? Nurture the relationships around you and they will nurture you back.
Lost In My Bedroom by Sky Ferreira
Pent up energy and anxious vibes swirling around inside of you have you antsy but I'm begging you to just chill. You’re bound to cause trouble if you try to expend that energy in any type of relationship. Save it for the gym, a creative project, or solo adult activities. Venus may have you thinking about sex nonstop, but I advise you to stick to silicon instead.
Slow Down Love by Louis The Child / Chelsea Cutler
Check that rear-view mirror for past connections trying to creep back in and ride your ass this week. ("Remember: Don’t use the anal card until after you get an official relationship title!!!" – Cosmo, September 1998) This is nothin’ but trouble. Seriously. If you don’t want to believe me, fine. May you be cursed with sleeping in the wet spot after sex.
Cold As Ice by Bekon
Not unlike Sagittarius's horoscope for the week, Venus has you craving connections from once upon a time and feeling some type of way. Don’t let the nostalgia affect your actions or else you’ll end up like Lil Xan, in the hospital for OD’ing on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. As good as it may taste in the moment, you’ll get burned in the long run.
Help Me Lose My Mind by Disclosure / London Grammar
It’s time to put those photos of you facedown drunk in parking lots on private, Aquarius. Potential employers most likely won’t be impressed and as much as you think your friends find it entertaining… they don't. With all of this cosmic activity in your career house, it’s a good time to clean it up a little bit. You’ve always been one to let loose, (no shame, get it girl) but don’t let your extracurricular activities affect how you’re seen as a professional.
Gimme More by Britney Spears
Take your time regarding relationships this week, Pisces. I know this is the first person to send you a “thinkin bout u” text before booty call hours in a while, but oh my god do me a favor and raise your god damn standards. PLZ. I promise you’ll be embarrassed looking back on this time. Be upset with me now, but thank me later. XOXO.
I Want Your Attention by Moon Boots / Fiora
Your weekly horoscopes are here, and it looks like someone is finally going to commit
Took long enough
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