Dating a guy with no social media is the secret to either true love or a kidnapping, but probably true love

So you meet someone cute and somewhat normal at the bar or on Tinder, and the VERY FIRST thing you have to do when you go home is immediately stalk his social media. I'm not talking about a cursory look at the Insta profile that he linked to his dating app profile, either. No, you must conduct a deep-dive FBI-level investigation that takes into account every dubious proclamation he made on Twitter, every half-naked celebrity he follows on Instagram, and every cringeworthy tagged photo from his middle school years that he still inexplicably hasn't deleted from Facebook.

And after sending dozens of screenshots to your friends and eagerly discussing the pros (according to LinkedIn, he has a lucrative job in finance!) and the cons (in his Facebook profile picture from two years ago, he's shirtless and surrounded by a dozen girls who look exactly like you…gross), you decide whether or not this dude is worth a text back.

Honestly, thank GOD for the power of social media! Without it, we would've wasted our precious time talking to that hot guy from the bar without realizing that he's actually a diehard Trump supporter who regularly tweets things like "watch this libtard get OWNED by ben shapiro!!" Without it, we would've ended up dating and possibly marrying a seemingly nice dude without realizing that he's the kind of behemoth who takes dozens of mirror selfies and uploads them in rapid succession on Facebook along with a caption like "They Don't Respect The Hustle ??"

But imagine, for one second, meeting a guy who has NO social media presence whatsoever. Facebook? Sorry, I deleted that years ago. Instagram? Nah, not for me. Twitter? Sounds stupid. Or if he DOES happen to have a Facebook or Instagram, it's so pathetically empty that it tells you literally nothing at all. Aside from one blurry profile picture and 32 "Happy Birthday" messages from three years ago, there is nothing to glean from him on social media — and that's fucking TERRIFYING. Every bone in your body is screaming at you to run away.

But what if I told you that you should actually give it a shot? Not DESPITE his lack of social media, but rather BECAUSE of it.

Hear me out! Dating a guy with no social media is incredibly risky. It could be the best decision of your life, but it could also be the worst. You could end up married to the most grounded, down-to-earth man in the world OR you could end up in a body bag. I think I'll take those chances!

Just think about it. Social media is objectively vacuous, narcissistic, and toxic. At its very best, it is a compilation of memes and funny bird videos that you can happily spend a few hours scrolling through. At its very worst, it is a cesspool of trolls and bigots who issue rape threats and fantasize about pedophilia. Think of all the braincells, all the faith in humanity that we have lost through our time on social media! I can never get those hours back, and I can never un-see the things I've seen on 4chan.

So people who don't bother with social media are arguably some of the best people in the world. They do productive things with their time, like read books and hang out with friends and go on long walks in the park. They are generally happy and optimistic about the world, because they haven't seen the shit that we've seen. And they're probably super fit because they actually get up and explore the world rather than scroll aimlessly on their phone all day like the rest of us. You know, maybe I'd also have time to go to the gym if I deleted Instagram!

BUT it also means that you literally don't know anything about them. You have to actually, you know, meet up with them in person — repeatedly, even! — to get to know them. You have to actually invest time, money, energy, and effort into talking to this dude. Can you IMAGINE? I'm shuddering at the thought!

And then, what happens once you've invested all of that time and energy, chatted with them at 2 am about their deepest fears, and inevitably developed some serious feelings for this mysterious fellow? Well, you better hope he doesn't turn out to be a serial killer, or a scammer who extorts thousands of dollars from you, or — even worse — someone who will open his mouth while you're reading news about Kavanaugh's confirmation and say something like, "Well, she shouldn't have waited so many years" or "Be right back sweetie, I'm going to send Dr. Ford a few death threats! It's a hobby of mine!"

They say that falling in love is a risk. They say that you have to be ready to be vulnerable, and prepared for devastating heartbreak, if you want to truly connect with another human being on a spiritual level. But dating a guy with no social media might be the GREATEST risk of all.

It's like investing in bitcoin or some other mysterious cryptocurrency that you pretend to know about to impress other people. There's a 99% chance that it's a terrible idea and you will end up losing your life savings as well as your dignity, but there's also a 1% chance that you'll strike out rich and wind up making millions of dollars and becoming the next Jeff Bezos. Are you willing to take those odds?

@nian_hu