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It’s officially thiccc bear season, y’all! And we’re ALL riding this wave
Feast upon the chunky glory
by Nian Hu
October is, without a shadow of a doubt, the best month of the year. Don't believe me? Just take a look at the facts — it's not only the spookiest month of the year and also the month in which I was born, but it's also the month of Fat Bear Week.
While normies gather around the television to watch the Superbowl, real fans of competition and displays of brute strength will tune into the Facebook page of Katmai National Park & Preserve during the week of October 3rd. There, they can witness a brutal showdown between nature's chunkiest creatures.
Watch as these absolute units gorge themselves on sockeye salmon and amass pound after pound of glorious fat. Once shrimpy little brown bears that didn't stand a chance against the dropping temperatures, they rapidly transform into hulking beasts with gargantuan shoulders, rippling rolls covering their entire bodies, and girthy waistlines that will keep them warm throughout the harsh winter.
But the real question on all of our minds is, who is the paunchiest of them all? From October 3rd to October 9th, people all around the world are invited to cast votes on Facebook to determine who is the tubbiest bear of the year. Make no mistake about it — this is a fierce competition, and every bear on the tundra is waiting with bated breath to see who among them is crowned the ultimate champion.
The winner of Fat Bear Week will be declared tomorrow, and I can't wait to see who wins the highly-coveted title of Biggest Boi. Personally, I am rooting for 409 Beadnose. Take a look at this goddess of lard:
This mama bear has not only packed on some truly impressive poundage, but she also really knows how to pose for photos. In this perfectly positioned squat that is sure to make Kim Kardashian green with envy, Beadnose shows off her rotund derriere, thick thighs, and an absolutely massive neck that neckcels only wish they could have.
Beadnose is also highly dedicated to the competition — she even threw out her own kids earlier this summer so she could spend less time rearing a brood of ungrateful cubs, and more time shoving fish down her own throat! Is THIS the elusive work-life balance that I keep hearing about? You go, girl!