Big-headed girlfriends are the latest crisis afflicting straight men
We must protect our sons from this menace
by Nian Hu
If you haven't heard, straight men are under attack in this nation. The #MeToo movement has ushered in an unprecedented era of terror, oppression, and violence against men. Men everywhere are trembling in the fear that they may actually face consequences for committing sexual assault.
Now, there is a new epidemic afflicting young gentlemen everywhere. I am speaking, of course, about the big-headed girlfriend. This pernicious phenomenon was first identified by a Reddit user who identified himself as a 30-year-old man dating a "large headed" 23-year-old girlfriend. What was once a beautiful and fulfilling relationship soon spiralled into a deadly and toxic situation that is every straight man's worst nightmare.
"Long story short, girlfriend wears my T-shirt," the traumatized man wrote. "Which is kind of sexy for me, but after she's done with the shirt the neckline is huge and stretched on my generally slender shoulders/neck."
For this unfortunate young man, the damage was already done. "It's already too late for some of my favorite shirts," he sadly disclosed, revealing that she had already "stretched out the head-holes" of his much-beloved garments.
Let's not mince words. This is gross injustice and misandry, and men should not stand for this blatant violation of their civil rights. The Founding Fathers did not write the Constitution so that young men today could silently tremble in terror as their big-headed girlfriends recklessly pillage their closets and destroy their clothing by forcing their enormous heads through the narrow head holes.
Parents, please educate yourself on this issue and protect your sons from this menace. If you have a son, make sure you buy him a lock for his closet as well as shirts with large head holes that can accommodate a girthy skull, just in case a big-headed girlfriend breaks into your home and attempts to force her massive head through one of his shirts.
You should also get him a body camera, recording device, and battery pack so he can always protect himself with video evidence of every single encounter he has with a woman, just in case one of them turns out to be a big-headed girlfriend who is hell-bent on stretching your poor son's clothing with her gargantuan head.
Men aren't safe in America. There is a war on men — and it's being waged by an army of women with enormous craniums and a thirst for destruction. Beware!