Never forget that a frat once held a press conference to deny accusations of buttchugging
The greatest self-own of all time
In a world of fake news and extraordinary headlines, it's hard to believe that a fraternity once held a press conference to deny allegations of buttchugging – but that's what happened exactly six years ago.
After one of their brothers was rushed to hospital for boozing too hard, Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Tennessee invited the media to attend a real press conference, held by a real lawyer to say they were shocked – shocked! – about accusations they shoved lengths of rubber tubing up into their asses to guzzle down incapacitating quantities of box wine.
Pike brother Alexander Broughton, which is pronounced "bro-ton" and I am not even joking, was hospitalized after an event known as the Tour de Franzia (the fraternity denied that the tour had a "tunnel stage," the "tunnel" being your ass, and the "stage" being wine going up inside your ass).
A police statement at the time helpfully explained the dynamics of buttchugging:
"Upon extensive questioning it is believed that members of the fraternity were using rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol, as the abundance of capillaries and blood vessels present greatly heightens the level and speed of the alcohol entering the blood stream as it bypasses the filtering by the liver."
Broughton vigorously denied the allegations in interviews with the cops – and was then owned incredibly hard by the brutal police report that came out after:
"Mr Broughton stated that at no time did he 'buttchug' wine or any other alcoholic beverage and that no one inserted anything into his rectum. He also had no recollection of losing control of his bowels and defecating on himself, or that his soiled underwear was at the hospital."
So this brings us to the press conference – a windy day in early October 2012. The fraternity had been booted off campus after Broughton was hospitalized, his BAC at 0.4, his bowels possibly out of control.
Attorney at law Daniel McGehee, a man who costs money to hire for legal representation, takes the mic in front of an expectant crowd. Xander Broughton and his fraternity brothers stand around him, blazers on, Oakleys fixed, jaws squared.
"Mr Broughton denies each and every allegation whatsoever that has been inferred that he may have been a gay man. He is a straight man. And he thinks the idea and concept of buttchugging is repulsive."
Imagine for a second being so scared of being called gay that you hold a press conference to say buttchugging is bad. It almost makes you think the whole conference was organized to give you, a 20-year-old frat bro in an orange button-down and a bowl haircut, the chance to say that yeah, you fuck (not men! women!). This was the largest and most pointless example of "no homo" in history.
Moving on to Broughton's statement, in which he said inserting pipe up your ass to pound drinks is immoral:
"I would be remiss if I did not make a statement about my beloved Pi Kappa Alpha, which lost its recognition last Thursday due to actions by thee University of Tennessee to suspend its recognition…First I want to state that neither I nor any member of my fraternity, Pi Kappa Alpha, have ever been involved in buttchugging or the use of alcohol enemas. These allegations have not only tarnished and attempted to destroy my life, but all the lives of the men of Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Tennessee and they are standing here today with their brother.
"Through this press release I want to speak to my fraternity brothers across the world wherever you may be. On my oath that I took at the time when I was initiated, I swear to each and every one of you that ever allegation of the gross and immoral activity of 'buttchugging' of alcohol or alcohol enemas never ever took place at the Pike House. We are men of integrity who pledged at the time of our initiation to always be true.
"This is the most gross idea I have ever heard. I would never do such a thing. I am a Christian who would never desecrate my body in that manner. To do so would be against God's law."
Shortly after this, a nickname for the University of Tennessee emerged: Butt Chugging U.
Let's all raise a glass of Franzia for Xander, and then pour it down a piece of rubber pipe fixed right up into our asses, and toast the five-year anniversary of the greatest, most bizarre press conference in modern history.