Sexy Slenderman is officially the greatest of the ‘did that really need to be sexy?’ Halloween costumes
Internet cryptid, but make it fashion
by Amanda Ross
My feminist contemporaries may disagree, but I firmly believe we only advance as a society when Halloween costumes are either aggressively, unnecessarily sexual or horribly gory — preferably both! While other people spent like, two hours out of their day bitching about a sexy Meghan Markle costume or slutty Handmaiden, I spend my time on much more valuable pursuits like watching an obese child slap his mom across the face on a never-ending loop. Basically what I'm trying to say is life is too short to be mad that Yandy, the controversy-loving sluttery, is churning out sexualized Fake News costumes.
And that includes Sexy Slenderman, or Creepy Slim Man as he's known on Yandy (I love how creatively literal they are! Creepy Slim Man is right up there with Mid-Week Honey and Sexy Bat Crusader.) Yes, the skinty internet cryptid was at the center of a horrifically violent crime a few years ago, but that was 2014 and we're living in a post-Thank You Kanye, Very Cool! America. Things are different. Just read the description on Yandy:
They say she's an urban legend who stalks and abducts her prey. You won't want to encounter this faceless babe in a dark forest. Straight out of the digital folklore, this exclusive Creepy Slim Man costume features a black jumpsuit with a deep V-neckline, a layered bodice, exaggerated long sleeves with arm slits, attached white gloves, a zipper closure, and a white collar with an attached black tie.
Did that make you want to become a copywriter for the site, too?
Were I to become the proprietor of this industrious hoe refinery, I would re-release this with a cropped blazer to up the sex factor and even out the cost of those super-dangly sleeves but whatever, I guess I just have the mind of a genius or something. Fine, I'll tell you my other ideas! They include Sexy Cough Drop, Sexy Judas, Sexy Stephen Hawking (RIP king), and Sexy Titantic — the ship itself, not the movie characters. Ok, enough! Stop asking me about it!
I love this costume. The only dark cloud over this entire thing is that Slender Man is by definition slender and while I have lost three jean sizes this year, I'm not at the stage where I can officially call myself a Creepy Slim Man. If Slenderman needs a Curvy Wife, though, I have a few ideas.