If you’re not waking up at 5:30 am to reflect upon ‘key wins’ then you are a FUCKING FAILURE — sorry!


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If you’re not waking up at 5:30 am to reflect upon ‘key wins’ then you are a FUCKING FAILURE — sorry!

Melania Edwards is the woman who has it all

by Nian Hu

Are you a real-life human woman who commits fatal errors such as snoozing your alarm in the morning, scrolling aimlessly through Instagram, and falling asleep at 2 am to the sound of a Netflix documentary? Then get ready to feel like a massive failure, because Melania Edwards is "always on the move," according to a Business Insider article that was DEFINITELY not paid for.

This extremely important bank executive at HSBC took the time out of her busy and important day to hire a professional photographer to snap fake-candid photos of herself, which she then submitted via Google Drive to a long-suffering Business Insider intern who's getting paid $13 an hour to re-write a lengthy email that she received from HSBC's PR agency (disclaimer: I used to be an intern at Business Insider).

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Melania Edwards, who the reader is meant to believe is a real-life human being and not a collection of random stock photos accompanied with text generated by a bot, explains that she wakes up at 5:30 am every morning, FaceTimes her friends and family, downs a bottle of green juice, and plays a game of tennis — all before work! It is a mark of her sheer willpower and ambition that she is able to play an entire game of tennis, shower, and get dressed for work in the span of one hour.

Watch as she saunters effortlessly post-tennis game through the picturesque (and oddly empty) streets of San Francisco on her way to work:

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After an extremely busy and stressful day at work that consists of eating lunch for 90 minutes, listening to "The Goop Podcast" for an hour, and only actually doing work for 2 hours, this high-ranking businesswoman heads home to empower women in Papua New Guinea. We STAN a feminist icon!

But wait, she's not one of THOSE feminists. You know, the really ugly and serious ones who only care about their career and who men don't want to sleep with. No no, she's the kind of feminist who cooks for her boyfriend and does yoga to keep her body fit and fuckable. Hear that, ladies? You CAN do both! And if you don't, you should feel fucking ashamed of yourself.

In the evening, Melania Edwards unwinds with a romantic walk with her boyfriend where they talk about totally normal things like "key wins and challenges" and the "adventures of the next day."

That's how you regular humans talk, right? The PR folks at HSBC worked really hard on this, okay! Cut them some slack!


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