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Ah fuck, you caught feelings for your friends with benefits
WE ALL TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN
by Nian Hu
Ugh okay. So everyone warned you that this would happen. Literally every. Single. Person. But you insisted that nooo, you would not fall prey to the classic rom-com trope where you fall in love with your friend with benefits. You convinced yourself that you would be okay with — nay, you DESIRED — casual sex with no strings attached. Feelings? Me? Never!
Unfortunately, it turns out that the entire world was right after all. Dammit! I mean seriously, who would've known that having sex with the same person several times every week, cuddling with them post-coitus and telling them your deepest fears and ambitions, and getting brunch with them every Sunday would result in…actual romantic attraction?
Now you have no idea how to proceed. It seems like there are only two ways this can end. Either they feel the same way about you and you start a beautiful relationship full of unbridled bliss and happiness OR they don't reciprocate and you probably won't be able to see them ever again and you'll hate yourself forever for ruining a perfectly good friendship.
So is it worth the risk? Or do you stick it out and pretend those feelings aren't there? Here are the steps that you should take once you realize (with horror) that you've fallen for your friend with benefits:
Take a short break from them
Alright, alright. Before you do ANYTHING rash — like text them a 500-word essay where you confess your undying love for them — just stop for a second and breathe. When you're friends with benefits with someone for a long time, especially if you see each other fairly consistently, it's all too easy to feel like you're basically dating them. I mean, aside from the exclusivity and the whole "I love you" thing, you're pretty much doing ALL the standard relationship stuff with them — hanging out, watching Netflix together, having sex, cuddling, the whole nine yards.
But you gotta be rational and think about this with a clear mind. Do you actually like like this person? As in, can you actually see yourself pursuing a serious, long-term relationship with them? Are you two compatible? These are tough questions, and they can't really be answered (rationally, at least) if you're waking up next to them in your bed every weekend. Go on a short trip, take a girls-only weekend, or spend some quality time with friends. Some time apart will (hopefully) bring some clarity — and it will help you decide whether you actually want to date this person, or if you just got used to hooking up with them on a regular basis.
Tell them how you really feel
If, after a brief stint of soul-searching, you arrive at the conclusion that you actually DO want to be in a serious relationship with them, then you're in a tough spot. There's no way around it — you simply have to tell them how you feel. Yes, it's terrifying! And you definitely will feel like throwing up! But it simply must be done.
Sure, it's tempting to say nothing and keep hooking up with them casually in the hopes that it'll organically blossom into something more…but chances are, you'll be left waiting for a loooong time. And while you're waiting, you'll grow more and more frustrated every day. Before you know it, you'll start texting them more and more with increasing desperation and neediness, you'll start freaking out whenever they don't respond to you in under five seconds, and you'll start crying when you see them texting other girls. And trust me, that's NOT a good look for anyone.
Spare yourself the agony and potential loss of dignity! Instead of holding your feelings inside until they come bubbling out in all kinds of unattractive ways, just tell them how you feel in a controlled and dignified manner. Keep it short and simple (no essays, please) and basically say something like: "Hey, I've really enjoyed hanging out with you. I like you a lot and I think I'm ready for something more serious. I was wondering if you'd be interested in being exclusive."
Prepare yourself for the worst
After crafting the perfect text and hitting send, you probably feel like you want to die. And that's totally understandable! In an ideal world, your friend with benefits will feel the exact same way about you and respond immediately with something like: "Omg! I was literally just about to ask YOU the same thing!" But we don't live in an ideal world. We live in a world where, more likely than not, they DON'T feel the same way about you. And they might text back something like: "Thanks so much for letting me know, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship."
Please don't freak out when you get that text!! Better yet, mentally prepare yourself for that outcome. It's important to give yourself time (and more importantly, permission) to grieve and feel sad. Sure, you weren't actually dating, so this isn't technically a breakup. But you were still super close to them, so OF COURSE it's going to hurt like hell! Cry about it to your friends, eat an entire box of chocolates, and don't feel like you're insane for feeling sad that it's over.
Do NOT hook up with them again!!
Bear with me! This is arguably THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP. So your friend with benefits doesn't feel the same way about you. But then they hit you with: "I still wanna hook up though." Or something like: "Let's just be friends." Well, isn't that perfect. You stop crying at once and you start beaming with joy. Hey, you didn't blow it after all! They still want to hang out with you! Isn't this the best outcome, all things considered? You told them how you feel and even though they don't reciprocate, you still get to keep them as a friend/friend with benefits!
NO NO NO. Do NOT fall for this trap!! Look, you might think you're ready, but you're not. It's way too soon! You need to give yourself time to heal — alone. Right now, you are raw, hurt, and full of strong emotions about this person. Trust me when I say that it is NOT a good idea to hook up with them! Or even be friends with them, honestly, because deep down you're STILL in love with them and you're STILL a little bit in denial about the whole thing.
Be kind to yourself. Tell them you appreciate the offer but you don't think that's a good idea for your personal well-being right now. In due time, you might be ready. One day in the future, when all the dust has settled and your emotions aren't as powerful, you might be able to hang out with them as friends and have a great time — without feeling stabbing pain in your heart when they mention their new girlfriend. Who knows? Maybe one day you'll recover so well that you'll be able to have casual sex with them again without feeling any emotion whatsoever! After all, time truly heals everything.