Lord grant me the savage post-breakup energy of Ariana Grande
Mark November 1st as the day she finally snapped
by Nian Hu
Breakups suck, and there's no way around that. However, it's how you respond to a breakup that reveals the type of person you truly are. And, based on my extensive research, I can safely conclude that there are only two types of people in this world: Arianas and Petes.
In one camp, we have the Pete Davidsons of the world. These unfortunate creatures respond to a breakup by becoming a pathetic, snivelling mess — moving back to their mom's house, wearing an Ecko hoodie in public (that's when you know you've hit rock bottom), while repeatedly begging their ex to take them back, sending them unwanted gifts, trying to break into their $16 million dollar Chelsea apartment. You know, the works.
And in the other camp, we have the Ariana Grandes of the world. These unfazed queens respond to a breakup by going on shopping sprees at Chanel, gallivanting around the streets of New York in crisp white puffer jackets that probably cost ten million dollars, working on new music immediately after dropping a wildly successful album, and moving on from the failed relationship to do bigger and better things with their lives.
But there is truly no better example of the queen's unshakable post-breakup energy than what happened last night. On November 1st, 2018, a date that will go down in history, Ari finally snapped:
"For somebody who claims to hate relevancy u sure love clinging to it huh," she tweeted.
And who is this irrelevant nobody clinging onto relevancy by invoking her name, you might ask? A one Pete Davidson.
In case you missed the whole mess, you can watch it here. Basically, this bizarre pale newt (pictured on the right) attempts to cling onto what little cultural relevancy he has left by making a joke about his failed engagement with the internationally renowned pop artist.
"Hey Maggie, I'm Pete," he says to Maggie Rogers. "Do you wanna get married?" Like any normal human woman, Maggie says no and looks away, uncomfortably. Davidson responds, "0 for three!"
Ari was, understandably, unimpressed, retweeting a fan who said, "Tag yourself I'm Maggie." She also liked a shady tweet that said, "SNL is about to milk their breakup just like they did with the engagement."
This is the kind of subtle pettiness we all should aspire toward in the aftermath of our failed relationships. It's no surprise Ariana Grande, queen of Big Pussy Energy, also harnesses some of the most powerful post-breakup energy known to man. May her savagery inspire us all.
Thank you, Pete, for your sad attempt to stay in the spotlight. It was quite entertaining for about five seconds, but now I'm bored.